Vampires and cats seem to be my "thing." Today, I learned something new about myself that I probably already knew deep down, somewhere, but hadn't structured into cohesive thought. I was broken once. And then I broke my brokenness and fixed myself. It's deeply personal and private, but the revelation was amazing.
Not one of us is perfect. And no one can be strong all of the time. Some of us put on that brave face and do what we need to do to get by, and others? They break or they fight. Forget MS. Forget cancer. Forget everything else "wrong" with me. Me? I am a survivor. I am the person that runs toward the fire. I overlook the bad in my life to celebrate the good. I am happy.
What did I want to be when I was a kid? An author. And then an accountant. Right and left brain. The college counselors told me I'd never be happy with a career unless I could satisfy both sides of my brain - use the left at work and the right at home or vice versa. Well, throw in MS and I'm lucky I can use my brain at all. And just like that, I'm off topic. My point here? I'm still a kid at heart, so I haven't grown up. So what do I want to be? Happy. As reported in Gundam Wing, "Mission accomplished."
Here's the thing: I pour all that I am into my writing. I always have. Broken. Unbroken. Aging, sick, joy, sorrow, excited. Love, hate, emptiness, soulful. Survivor. Victim. Selfish. Selfless. My pain, anger, experience. Diverse religions, interests, studies. Empathetic. Sympathetic. Cold. Warm. Violence. Peace. Vampires, blood, darkness. Rainbows, unicorns, sugar. Cats and toys. It's all there.
I keep thinking of a line from Poe's The Raven. "Leave my loneliness unbroken." It's my favorite piece of literature, and reminds me of when I would have asked to leave my brokenness unbroken. Unlike the narrator, whose soul lay in shadow to be lifted nevermore, I chose not to wallow.
Another line reads: "Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing, doubting. . ." I imagine that I stared down my darkness in much the same way, but at some point, I stopped looking and stepped into it.
I think that people, in general, tend to fear the unknown. Many of us stay the course, take the worn path, and face the known whether it's better or worse than the unknown. It's a risk. I can't sit here and say I deliberately broke my brokenness or stared down my darkness. It just happened. So maybe I "just happened" to emerge reborn like a caterpillar to butterfly. I don't know. I can't say for sure. It wasn't easy, but I'm a fighter. Easy isn't something I've known, which I'm sure was to my benefit. And my "fix" was not without its own scars, perhaps ironically.
That's the heart of the matter and where I've discovered my writing has taken me. The Arrival and soon-to-arrive Confessions of the Second Born, aren't about vampires or God. The theology in those pages is my own conglomeration of mythology and religion to fit the context of my fiction. The real story is the search, and subsequent finding, of self. Life's not easy - be ye vampire or human, demon or angel. It's full of choices that are sometimes beyond our control. So it helps to know yourself.
It is so easy to sit in a chair, talking with a friend, and say, "If that happened to me, I'd do this." Sometimes that might be true. More often than not, it's probably not if that actually happened to you. I'm reminded of when a family member was diagnosed with breast cancer. During the discussion, I said that if I ever had breast cancer (ignorantly thinking I'd never get it because my risk was supposedly so low - risk is risk - take it seriously) that I wouldn't get reconstruction. At the time, I was more active and said they (boobs) just get in the way, and I have the love of my life, so who am trying to impress? So, you might imagine how this person felt, and how the conversation changed, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer and chose reconstruction.
The hows and whys of it don't matter. Until you are sitting in that chair, hearing those words, having every detail thrown at you, and being asked impossible questions, you don't know what you will do. I didn't know what I was going to do. I needed time. I had to think it all through and make the best decision for me and my family. In the end, I still question my decisions.
When I broke my brokenness, I didn't have time to think or take it in. It was a blur. But I still had to make a choice.
The same holds true to life in general. Whether you're going through the motions, breaking, or fighting, you are the one who needs to take it all in and make the decisions. Sometimes they're easy. Sometimes they're impossible. Some will end up good and others will blow up in ways you'd never imagine. If you truly know yourself, the process might just be a little easier. Maybe.
I channeled all of this into my series. I wanted it to mirror real life, even with vampires and angels. I suppose the first book, The Arrival, succeeds the most since the supernatural characters will stand out far more in subsequent books. Above all, regardless of who or what they are, these characters are making hard choices and living with the consequences, all while striving to strike a balance to find themselves and happiness--the same thing we all do, everyday.
What will you break or leave unbroken? The choice is yours.
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