Life & Writing Updates

Things at Pavlik HQ have been busy as usual.  Gunner, my husband's retired EOD K-9, crossed the Rainbow Bridge on March 19.  He was a part of our lives for nearly a decade, so we're rediscovering "normal" life where we can and making up the rest as we go.  Gunner was so much more than a pet.  He "spoke" five languages, came to the United States from Slovakia, and had the mentality of a 6-year-old.  He was Tim's partner for 9 years, putting his life on the line every single day.  They were attached at the hip, even after Gunner retired and spent his days at home with me and the cats instead of with Tim.  As soon as Tim got home from work, Gunner lit up, always excited to see his guy and to return to his side.  The house is empty and quiet without him, and his absence has left a large hole in our lives.

In other, typically-Pavlik, news, I was diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder.
  It's not great news by any means, and might end up being the worst news I've ever gotten, but it does answer so many questions for my doctors.  After more than 5 months of my doctor and I arguing with insurance, we finally approached the lab directly and they agreed to run the required DNA panels at no cost to me.  This is an insanely great development, as this disorder has several subgroups, one of which being fatal, that can be confirmed with DNA testing.  Additionally, there is a global push for genetic testing to further research.  There is no cure and currently no adequate treatments for the defect itself.  People with this disorder are born with faulty collagen and not only suffer through life, but sometimes live rather short lives.  The results should arrive any day.

As is also typical for me, when I need something good in my life, I make something good in my life.  Today, I received my physical proof for my short story novelette, How to Make Lemonade.  I've had fun developing a few digital images using both photographs and original drawings, which I then replicated via pencil sketch and colored using blended oil pastel and chalk/charcoal pencils.  To complete the illustrations, I then merged the digital and physical copies and created hand-touched pictures with the added depth of digital.  I will post about this separately soon.  This should go live by the end of next week!

I'm still rather active on Instagram.  The writing community there is supportive and interactive, and it's nice to be apart of a group of like-minded individuals.  I'd been searching for a support group for my health, but I don't fit in with the MS or EDS communities, although both are helpful at piecing together ways to cope with my unique needs, so it's awesome to connect with other authors, writers, and readers.  It has truly worked wonders for coping with everything despite being completely unrelated to my health.

In fact, I've connected with an author whose books I enjoy, Serene Conneeley, who interviewed me for her Camp Nano MoWri daily challenge for today.  Check out her site to read the interview and check out her books, HERE!  I also reviewed one of her books a few posts down.  And I enjoy interacting with author Ruth Miranda, whose Blood Trilogy I am currently reading.  The review of the first book, BLOOD, is also in the posts below.  More reviews coming soon!

Finally, I'm preparing for my speaking engagement at the Tolono Library on April 23!  The library has received quite a bit of interest, so I'm nervous.  (laughs)  I'm seriously looking forward to it, though. I love talking about my books, the writing process, and so forth, and I'm not afraid of talking in front of people.  I am a little scared that my MS brain will steal something from me mid-sentence or mid-explanation, but that's a daily thing, so I'll deal with it, like I deal with everything else!

Bye for now!

   

I'm on Instagram!

Background Image:  Public Domain License;  Quote Credit:  Kastie Pavlik

If I didn’t neglect this blog, I’d probably write shorter posts.  Imagine that!

As is the norm of my life, I am overwhelmed with lots going on, especially in the health department.  But!  As much as I want to update on that, it’d be best to wait for concrete results.  For now, we are assuming the worst (with just cause - there is 0% chance of good news).  Soo, let’s talk about Instagram.

I am so late to the party.  I never understood the appeal of a platform based on photographs – and I love photography.  But I get it now.  It’s pretty cool seeing all these little slices of life from around the world.  And I’ve connected with an awesome writing community and readers, and all around fun.

Being new means I’m learning and experimenting.  Blog upon blog offers the best hashtags or ways to boost follower numbers.  I’m not going to do that.  It’s not like I know enough to do that anyway!  But!  I will say this:  most Instabloggers recommend a streamlined page.  You know – find your one thing, stick with, and post consistently.

None of those bloggers have met me.  Have you met me?  Yes, I could exercise some self-restraint, I suppose.  But that’s rather unrealistic.  Because, again, have you met me?  Or seen my leaning-to-be-read pile because I have NO self-restraint at book buying?  My name is the antonym of self-restraint.

Thus, express no surprise at a feed that looks like random circus puke.  Hm?  But maybe prettier than that sounds?

I have too many hobbies and enjoy too many things.  This is nothing new, but it’s gotten worse – which is actually a good thing – with each new diagnosis or new symptom or new day stuck in bed.  (Oh woe is me . . . or whoa, if it’s a Bill & Ted moment – queue guitar riff.)  It means I'm busy carping all those diems!  (Thanks, Summer.)

Excluding the first month or two, there is a method to my Instagram madness.  Starting on the right, I post about writing, then cats in the middle, and then random but usually comic/cat/art-related something or other on the left.  Three posts every morning.  The weekends mess up the order sometimes.  And I do free-peak fridays where I post a page from one of my books, which, with the current writer's challenge, also sometimes messes things up.

The gist is, my one thing is *everything* under the sun and moon, and sometimes beyond.  My passion is writing.  I love my cats.  And I enjoy life.  I’m eccentric, eclectic, and unique.  I’m something of a medical mystery, so I want to bring awareness to my health.  Hopefully, I can inspire someone else who is suffering.  You know?  Finding your passion, reveling in what you enjoy, and embracing your life can be the most cathartic thing you can do.   I put it on a picture.  It must be true!

 

I’m certain my feed will evolve.  And I hope it continues to grow.  I’m not a Follow-for-Follow person (sometimes I will, though).  I don’t want to superficially inflate my numbers or (no offense) junk up what I see.  Instagram is freeing, in a way, and I truly enjoy interacting with the other authors, writers, readers, artists, cats, and people that I’ve never met.  When I friend someone on Facebook, I interact with them.  I don’t just collect people.  It’s not quite as easy to do this on Insta, but liking someone’s photo is a simple interaction.  I'm still in that awkward "what to write or respond" stage, so forgive me when I put my foot in my mouth.

Finally, if you know me, then you’ll love this:  Instagram limits posting length and hashtags.  No novel-length postings there!  LOL – you can find me easily, or check out the linked feed on my website for a quick peek.  

See ya on Insta!

PSA:  All photography/imagery posted is mine and copyrighted unless otherwise credited.  Please credit on reposts or contact me for usage rights.  I will give credit to any image used that is not my own or in the public domain, and will remove any image I've used at the request of the image owner.  Don't be a jerk.  Respect and give credit to the creators/copyright owners.

Rising Up to Fight

My life is an odd balance of good and bad.  I never thought I was too superstitious, but when "the good" came in heaping piles earlier this year, I knew something was coming.  I wasn't wrong.  The last three weeks have been some of the roughest of my life.

I am, unquestionably, lucky and blessed in most aspects of life, which allows me to say (and mean) that I live happily and have a good life.  It pretty much goes wrong with my body and health.  I am up at 0330 writing this, after all.

Over all the years I used this blog as a platform to keep family and friends updated, I guarantee I've never listed more than half of what is wrong with me.  So, I won't start now.  But if you've followed me, then you know the biggies:  Multiple Sclerosis, Breast Cancer, Valvular Heart Disease, and now Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS).

EDS is a rare genetic disorder that causes a defect in how the body makes (or doesn't make) collagen.  It's a connective tissue disorder.  There are 13 subgroups with a lot of overlap between them.  Some are diagnosed by symptoms and some by genetic testing.  I am pending genetic testing, but I've been confirmed for Hypermobility Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS) and I have visual and historical symptoms for Vascular EDS (vEDS).  Vascular EDS has a high accuracy rating on genetic testing, so that diagnosis isn't confirmed yet.

I've been given so much to read, it's overwhelming.  I think, if I was healthy, it might not seem like such a blow, but given everything else, this is hard.  To put it into perspective, when I learned about Breast Cancer, I was home alone.  I called my neighbor, who was like a sister, and she rushed over with shoulders to cry on.  And then we fought.  And we won.  I went at the doctors like, "Let's do this!  Cure me!"  I can't say I didn't cry in the years that followed, but cancer didn't break me.  I beat it.

Multiple Sclerosis didn't break me.  The uncertainty of my future almost did, but I learned how to reframe my thinking and planning, and that made a huge difference.  I've also been in weekly therapy for years to help manage my symptoms.  After I first learned I had MS, I went home, put headphones in, and walked around my garden for a while.  I'd stop and look out over the field, the back of the house, or just stare blankly at the sky.  I was mourning the life I thought I'd have, which I had to do to accept my new life.  I can't win against MS, but I can actively fight it.  So I do.

EDS . . . wow.  I just - I don't know where to start.  I've known for the last two years that the doctors were missing something, and that's not a slight against how good they are.  I have great doctors.  It's a testament to how rare this disorder is.  One of my doctors says I'm his "most monitored patient" and he usually sees people twice my age (seriously).  So, of course, the first question everyone asks me is, "How did they miss this your whole life?"  Because, yes, I was born with this.  It's a genetic disorder.  Whether I inherited it from one of my parents, both of them, or my genes mutated when I was a fetus, I was born with it and have unknowingly been adapting to it all my life.

EDS answers questions about my life that I didn't even know I had.  It's taught me that things I thought were normal about my body are totally not.  And that some seemingly benign things, like having super soft skin, are actually symptoms.

So the next question is why did they find it now?  I am stubborn with my pain levels.  I live in constant pain.  I don't want to depend on controlled substances to the point of resistance or dependency, so I will push it until I can't take it anymore.  Several of my providers think I'm too hard on myself in that regard, and (responsibly) advise that I treat my pain more than I do.  That said, I've been suffering agonizing joint pain for most of this year.  It started in my left elbow and then my right knee suddenly got bad, fast.  At times, I couldn't put weight on it.  Then I woke up a few mornings in a row unable to move my right shoulder without manually manipulating it first.

When I woke up and couldn't move my right shoulder or stand up, I knew I'd pushed it too far.  I got in with Rheumatology and was lucky enough to get a doctor who knew what I had by just pressing on my knuckle.  There was no collagen between the bones.  Also luckily, my health care system has one of three geneticists in the state and she's an EDS expert.  They got me in with her the next day.  Unfortunately, having a connective tissue disorder with a hypermobility aspect and  MS is going make "things very hard" for me.  EDS is not understood well, not many doctors know anything about it, and there's not really anything you can do for it other than preventative maintenance like physical therapy or massage therapy, and pain management.

I'm sure you're asking, "Lucky?"  Well, yeah.  I have answers now.  I've been poked and prodded and tested as  a medical mystery for so long, it's my normal.  My doctors have answers.

My friends and family have questions.  Too many questions.  It's been overwhelming to get a diagnosis like this with the expectation that I read up on it so I can have an educated conversation with the Geneticist after my test results are back, to process what I'm reading (because it's not great), and to field a thousand questions coming from every angle.  I've been filtering info out to family privately and on Facebook as I'm feeling up to it.  I have to be ready to tackle EDS to talk about it and I'm still not sure that this isn't the one that breaks me.  I certainly feel broken.

As with any diagnosis, in the beginning everyone tries to cram hope and sunshine down your throat.  It was the same with MS.  From personal experience, that's a shitty thing to do.  Giving people hope isn't a bad thing, but the way it's done dismisses the patient's fears and isn't realistic.  I've been through it with MS.  I mean no disrespect, but I don't need unrealistic hope.  I see through the bullshit.  I live in my body.  I'm not a pessimist.  To me, the glass isn't half full or half empty - it can be refilled.

EDS adds the certainty that MS lacks.  Those two together are formidable.  I am looking at a future of debilitating pain, physical disability, worsening mobility, and no real way to manage any of it.  That makes researching this so much worse.  I try to stick with facts, but it's good to get an idea of what EDS patients live with and their stories are heartbreaking.  At this point, I'd like to acknowledge that this is long and that you have no idea how many times I've had to stop typing because I can't deal with this.  Taking even just a second to take in a breath and close my eyes, helps.  Like I can lose this reality in that brief dark, respite.

So that's hEDS is a very small nutshell.  There's so much too it.  It's connective tissue.  It's your skin, your tendons, your organs, everything in the soft or connective tissues.  I can literally say that I'm literally falling apart at the seams.  It's everything.

And that doesn't include the fact that I glossed over vEDS.  It's not just me saying that I likely have it.  It's my cardiac history, it's my doctors who know about vEDS asking about my heart in that gentle voice that doctors use for delicate issues, it's knowing that I have leaky valves - the valves in the heart that are made of connective tissue.  The one, big complication of vEDS (and rarely in hEDS) is that the aortic valve will "slip" and cause massive internal blood loss that leads to a fatal heart attack.  Until the geneticist saw the vascular signs, she had started talking about how EDS generally isn't fatal and that hEDS will be minor compared to MS.  That speech disappeared quickly and life expectancy wasn't brought up again.

The median life expectancy for vEDS is 48.  When MS is the cause of cardiac issues, the median life expectancy is 45.  One of those two things is responsible for what's going on with my heart.  If that is all true, I have 3-6 years, maybe.  And it'll probably happen fast.  I've taken many breaks trying to get through this paragraph.  I can't stop the tears.  I thought I was mourning my life with MS?  Wow.

I don't put any of this stuff out there for sympathy or pity.  I'm an odd duck with weird things that people don't understand.  I try to help them understand.  I try to answer questions in one fell swoop instead of repeating myself over and over - that's so stressful.  I try to find others like me that I can learn from.  I want to share my experiences.  I suppose like any of us, I want to know that my life will have mattered after I'm gone.  And facing mortality, again in a matter of three years, is a big deal.

I don't know if it ever really occurred to me that I could've died fighting cancer, but I do know that I prepared for the possibility on the surface.  I got powers of attorney, a living will, and a DNR order.  I made sure that people knew what to do if something went wrong in surgery.  I asked my best friend to help my husband unload my geeky collections when he was ready.

But now?  This is so different.  This is looking at unread books and not knowing if I'll ever read them.  It's wanting to research Batman because there are gaps that I want to fill.  It's hoping I can go back to Florida one more time before I die.  It's hoping I get to finish writing my books so I don't leave my readers hanging.  It's truly getting my affairs in my order.  Reinstating my DNR.  Talking with my husband about what I need to do now to make it easier on him when I'm not here anymore.  I can't scratch the surface of this on a deeper level...my husband, my daughter, my granddaughter - I just can't face that yet.  So yes, right now, it might seem superficial, but don't judge until you're sitting in my shoes - which I don't like to wear because they make it harder to walk.

I know.  It's easy to sit on the other side and say that I don't know what's going to happen.  I don't.  I could die in a car crash on the way to one of my multiple doctor appointments tomorrow (which actually makes a stronger case for having your shit together to help your loved ones when you pass).  I could defeat the odds and live to 92.  Most of the people in my family live ridiculously long lives and are tough.  But I'm only human, with human fears and emotions, and I can only take so much in stride before I break.  I don't like to play what ifs.  It's actually something I bring out in my writing.  My characters will say that what ifs mean nothing and waste energy.  For the most part, that's true.  But there is a time and a place where using them to plan is necessary, and this is the time.

Maybe those tests will show I don't have vEDS.  Honestly?  I'm not going to believe it.  There's a 1-2% error margin.  That should be a relief if it comes back negative.  But I know what symptoms I show and my history.  Even if that test comes back negative, it is possible to overlap with hEDS, which I DO HAVE.  The good news there is that if we can manage it, I can add a decade or two back (from a cardiac standpoint), and the aortic valve slippage is possible, but rare with hEDS.  Which brings me back to pain and disability and a dark hole.  Do I want to live longer in agony?  Or die sooner?  It doesn't really matter what I want.  I'm not in control of that.

I control whether I fight or not.  And I fight.  Pain or agony be damned.  I'm a survivor and that's because I fight.  Death will win, eventually.  None of us can win that fight.  But we can fend him off.  That's our choice.

Even in a dark hole, I will eventually find light.

Nightwing and the Library

 Ok, so the two have nothing to do with each other.  Maybe.  We'll see how this post goes.

DC Collectible Batman Black & White Nightwing by Jim Lee (image source:  comicbook.com)

When I'm stressed, overstimulated, or overwhelmed--good or bad--I stress shop.  The other night, I was "writing" and ended up falling madly in love with 2 Nightwing statues/figures.  Obviously, if I was falling madly in love with Nightwing, I wasn't writing.  ;)

Although, technically, I opened the browser to research materials used for men's summer suits and formal attire, so it started out book-related.  How I got to Nightwing, I have no idea.  He looks nice in a suit, though.

Dick Grayson in a suit.  (image source:  Book Riot)

And how did I fall madly in love with Nightwing anyway?  I was already madly in love with him.  Queue Janis.  "Oh.  My.  God."  I mean, have you seen him?  And then to find one based on the legendary Jim Lee's art??  (Confession:  I love LOVE love Jim Lee's art.  Give that man a sharpy and he'll draw something awesome on the spot, no errors.  Perfection.)

So . . . the Black and White Nightwing (#736/5000) arrived yesterday and is guarding my mantle (or enjoying being eye candy, who knows).

The other Nightwing figure?  Queue bloody nose and extreme Janis.  "OH.  MY. GAAAAAAWD!"  Enter Kotobukiya's Ikemen Series.  This lone picture doesn't do him justice.  Check out Kotobukiya's website for photos from every angle, and good luck finding one in stock anywhere.  Most sold out in during the 2017 pre-order window.

Kotobukiya's Ikemen Series, kicked off with nightwing.  Stock photo.

The Ikemen figure comes with three faces and a separate mask so you can have Nightwing in full costume or flashing those baby blues with or without his lips parted and holding his mask.  (I'm dying here Kotobukiya.)  He hasn't arrived yet.  I.  Can't.  Wait.

When I first saw it, I was captivated.  It's gorgeous.  He's beautiful.  Black and White Nightwing is edgy.  Ikemen Nightwing is sensual.  And the more I stared at him, the more I realized he kind of looks similar to how I see Eric in my head.  A bit younger, but the hair and eyes . . . wow.

(Eric's appearance is supposedly 23-ish, but that's an 1864-65 version of 23, so I see him in his late 20s/early 30s.  Hardened by life.  More mature.  Battle worn.  For the longest time, I thought he'd look like Brandon Heat - with blue eyes - in Gungrave before he "died."  With Brandon's original eye color, if you visualized auburn hair and removed the glasses, you'd have an idea of how I see Jonathan, too. See below.)

Brandon Heat in Gungrave.  (Episode and image source unknown.)

Image above modified to look like Eric (blue eyes, no bags). 

I digress.  Prior to my Nightwing objectification, I already had the good news I wrote about in my previous post, plus, that day, I'd gone to the library and spoken with the librarian and her staff.  She wanted to put my books into circulation (in process!) and she's a cataloguing librarian, so both books will be catalogued with the Library of Congress!  I'm also looking forward to speaking engagements, readings, and/or workshops starting around mid-April.

Sidebar:  My MS is a bit of an odd duck.  I mean, ALL MS is different for each person, but generally, MS is sensitive to heat, so most MS Warriors hate summer.  Heat rarely bothers my MS as long as I'm careful with it.  However, COLD is another story.  I don't hate winter, but it is downright mean to me.  I am super hypersensitive to cold and am suspected of having S.A.D., so usually by Christmas, I'm in bed for the rest of winter.  The colder and wetter it is, the worse I feel.  But, usually, I'm up and itching to get out around April, and slowly, but surely, I get out of bed and recuperate.

This is all very exciting.  Everything that's going on with my childhood dream, the upcoming Dark History and Horror Con, the library, the LOC, the Midwest Book Review, progress on book 3, the Dark Moon Press vampire anthology (release TBA), closing in on Con preparations and book freebie/goodies.  Plus, good looking medical scans, (mostly) good lab work, and a follow up consult upcoming, along with another round of regular check ups with all of my specialists.  Even good news can be overstimulating and stressful; hence, 2 Nightwings to drool over (plus a secret fun buddy for the kitchen that I haven't told Tim about yet).  Oh, and two books (The Peach Keeper and The Sugar Queen by Sarah Addison Allen - love her).  I think I'm just antsy.  Or my anxiety is acting up just enough to cause trouble.  Like Loki.  But anyway, stress shopping FTW.  ^_^   

(Well, just not for my wallet.)  Haha.

The Arrival Midwest Book Review, Dark History and Horror Convention, And MORE!

This is longer than I intended, so I'll provide bullet points:
*Midwest Book Review critiqued "The Arrival" - skip to the end to read its awesomeness
*My health sucks and it interferes with my life and writing goals (surgery is higher in the air than the Flying Graysons)
*I'll be at the Dark History, True Crime, and Horror Convention in November #DHHC2018
*In a TBA release, my short story "How to Make Lemonade" will appear in a vampire anthology by Dark Moon Press entitled "Tales of Blood and Shadows"
*I hope to have Confessions on Kindle by the end of the year
*I'm making progress on the 3rd "Children of the Morning Star" book, have a tentative release schedule, and new working title
*I may have some speaking engagements forthcoming at the library
*The Library of Congress is cataloging Confessions
*I am bad about using apostrophes, quotes, italics, and underlining consistently for titles (forgive me)
*I write long blogs
*The above picture is one of several potential covers for Confessions that I chose not to use
*Signed copies of both books are available locally at G-Mart in Downtown Champaign

OK- AND GO!

Shortly after Confessions of the Second Born went live, I sent copies of it and The Arrival to Midwest Book Review with hopes of not only being selected for review, but also of gaining (hopefully) positive industry critiques.  I will get to that...I mean, it is the best part of this post (so skip to the end if you want), but first, updates and such.

While waiting to hear from Midwest Book Review, I prepped for the local Dark History and Horror Convention in November (#DHHC2018), dealt with another batch of health issues that may or may not need surgery, tried to work on the 3rd book in the Children of the Morning Star series, and wrote and submitted a short story to Dark Moon Press for a vampire anthology.

Sound like a lot?  You have no idea.  I don't allow my health to define me, but I can't help how it affects me.  Sometimes my brain works and sometimes it's way off--like, not off in left field, but not even in the stadium.  Or the parking lot.  It's more like finding Waldo in a zoomed out satellite picture of Chicago.  Throw in new things and Waldo's buried.  Essentially, nothing about this is easy for a normal person on a good day, so it requires a lot of hard work, energy, and time from me (and I always mess something up and need to fix it - par for the course). 

Ooh!  TWO sports metaphors from the geek in ONE paragraph!  I'm getting better at this.

Ok, so, in many ways, writing and editing is cathartic, which I've written about in the past, and can be both a source of stress and a coping mechanism for stress.  If you've followed my blog, you already know the story: I wrote the first two books over a decade ago, it started as a dream when I was 13, and health interruptions thrust me into a rut of edits.  To any creative type, a project is rarely ever finished.  We continue to peck at endlessly until we set a 'done point' and stick to it.

At points where I really needed something good to happen, I called 'done' on both of them and set up a rough plan for the 3rd.  But the 3rd is tricky.  I started it shortly after the initial two.  It's a patchwork mess of disorganized scenes and notes.  At some point, I organized several patches into the first five chapters, with the rest making up a potential 4-7 additional chapters.  The 3rd already contains 188 extremely roughly written pages.  The working title is "Children of the Morning Star." (COMS)

Truth be told, once Confessions went live, I was a nervous wreck about finishing the series.  I hadn't creatively written anything seriously in 6 or 7 years.  Can I still do it?  Will my health and brain and everything else allow it?  I'm in constant pain and my hands and arms have started going numb.  Sometimes I can't even hold a book to read.  How do I expect to type a new book?

Enter Dark Moon Press's Tales of Blood and Shadows A Vampire Anthology.  For weeks, I wrote out ideas for a submission.  I started 3 stories and abandoned them.  Then I had a dream, a dream of a nightmare I'd had years ago that made me sick to my stomach.  So I wrote.  And a short story was born.  I submitted it and recently learned it will be used.  (Release TBA plus happy dance!)  It is titled How to Make Lemonade and tells the story of a suicidal woman who falls into the arms of a widowed vampire.  The question, however, is whether he sees her as something to save?  Or savor?

I liked it.  I liked it so much that I was far too nervous to submit it because I knew something had to be wrong with it.  I read it aloud to a few groups of people and asked a few friends to read it.  The groups were captivated to an uncomfortable level.  I've never felt such laser-pointed focus from others before.  But that's a good thing.  And the readers loved it.  I held onto it for a few weeks, still unsure, and then called it done.  My nerves were on fire.  Not only had I not written in years, but I tried an entirely new writing style.  Seems like a good gamble.  How to Make Lemonade is not your typical vampire story, but, if you've read either of my books, you already know that I don't write "typical" vampire stories.  Visit darkmoonpress.com to subscribe for updates and notifications, and, of course, like and follow me on Facebook.  (My current stress relief project is making cute mini-bookmarks to market this short story and anthology, and I'm toying with writing a novel based on the short.)

The positive feedback boosted my confidence.  I read the 188 pages I'd previously written for COMS.  EGAD!  The writing is terrible.  The story is fine.  The story and characters were more developed than I remembered.  I took time to think over the story elements and direction, jotted notes, and so forth, and finally began working on it.  I've only just finished cleaning up the first chapter, but I've already cut thousands of words from the first 20 pages.  It's put me into a hybrid writing/editing mode that works.  It's a bit bland, but the twisty prose and phrasing will come.  I can't get ahead of myself.  I've also developed a new working title, but that's a secret for now.

It's no secret that there is a lot going on in my life, always.  This is one, tiny facet, but it's a dream come true.  All my life, I wanted to be an author.  I wanted people to read my words.  I wanted my writing to make people think.  And it is!  Currently, Confessions is only out as a paperback.  A Kindle version is coming, and when it does, it will be free to download for the first several days.  I hope to have it ready by the end of the year.  I apologize to anyone who is waiting for it.  It is a project that requires more focus than I can give it right now to do it right, and I want to do it right.  My readers deserve that.

Additionally, my local library asked me about possible speaking engagements and possibly entering my books into circulation.  That is also very awesome!  It's hard for me to commit to anything (I mean, I've got help for the upcoming Con, but I am terrified of how I'm going to get through it, both physically and mentally given the challenges I face just getting through a day at home with my cats - lol), but I would love, LOVE to do this.  My therapist sees my books as a shining beacon in my treatment.  I love to talk about them, about the process, about the different meanings people take away - she says I light up.  I perk up.  I've spent so much time in their world that it's real to me.  And when I'm there, I don't hurt.  When I "come home," I pay for it dearly, but it's a price she thinks is worth it for the relief and happiness it provides.

And so, with everything going on, I'm closing in on my tentative time table for COMS.  3 months or so to write it.  3-6 to edit and polish.  Another 3 to start publication and proof, proof, proof.  Plus 3 months extra for delays with an estimated release by the end of 2019.  Health complications and stress loom over this time table, placing me in an unfortunate position of already being behind.  It's a self-imposed deadline that can obviously change, but I'm not going to drag this release out.  It's a different story now.  People want to know.  I have readers!  They want books to read!  I can't allow myself to fall into another ten year rut.  And trust me, that is not an option.  If I need to, I'll work with another author.  This story is my story, and it's been my story since I was a kid.  It deserves readers, and the readers deserve something compelling and good.

Alas!  That brings us to today!  Today I learned that the Library of Congress is cataloging Confessions, and I found "The Arrival" in the October issue of Midwest Book Review's Small Press Bookwatch!  And with an awesome critique!  Many, MANY thanks to the reviewer(s) at Midwest Book Review.  Thank you so much for accepting my submission and for enjoying it.  I am incredibly happy right now and that's something my aching body or Wheres's Waldo brain can't take from me.  It follows:

"The first volume in Kastie Pavlik's 'Children of the Morning Star' vampiric fantasy series, "The Arrival" reveals an author with a genuine flair for originality and character driven narrative storytelling. A deftly crafted and unfailingly compelling read from beginning to end, "The Arrival" is unreservedly recommended and certain to be an immediate and enduringly popular addition to community library Fantasy Fiction collections. It should be noted for the personal reading lists of dedicated vampire fiction fans that "The Arrival" is also available in a digital book format (Kindle, $1.99)."  - Midwest Book Review

Much love to everyone who is on this journey with me.  It's a Hell of a ride.  I hope you're enjoying it.

(And don't forget that copies of both books are available locally at G-Mart!  If you purchase a signed copy, message my author page and I'll arrange to customize the autograph and give you extra goodies!)

Hi Neglected Blog!  I'm Back!  ^_^

So much has happened over the last few years that it's hard to imagine life will ever stop spinning.  Out of so many life changing events, it's hard to define the "best" one.  However, I can start with the most exciting - well, to me, that is, of course!  I PUBLISHED MY MANUSCRIPT AT LONG LAST!

"The Arrival" - go here or here and buy one!  Go, now!  I'll wait!

(Hums elevator music for 5 minutes.)

Thank you!

Whether you are new to my neglected blog or blue in the face from waiting for the next post, you can easily tell that I am weird.  That's an undeniable fact.  If you search the blog, I have talked and talked incessantly about my book and characters, and the strange turns writing can take.  I've also used this as a platform to talk about my health.  And sometimes, my cat Neko (rest in peace) would take over my keyboard and rant about Jonny Fang Face.  It's really too sad that we can't enjoy Neko's rants any more.  But, I have 6 others and they are quite opinionated.  So maybe we'll all be in for a treat yet.  ^_-

I am not known for writing short posts, be it here or on Facebook.  However, I shall offer a condensed version of happenings:

I was diagnosed (dx'd) with Multiple Sclerosis in 2008 following an ER visit on Friday the 13th.  That seems appropriate.  Many happenings followed.  I had to leave my awesome job in 2014.  I am disabled (and every time I say that, I think of The I.T. Crowd's Roy when he used the disabled toilet...love).  Sometimes my brain just doesn't want to work or communicate with my body.  Some people like to say they walk like a drunk, and that makes me think of Johnny Depp's pirate stagger - but I am nowhere near as elegant and graceful as that.  LOL

2015 was eventful!  I was dx'd with breast cancer and I became a grandmother!  I subsequently beat breast cancer after three surgeries, the last being almost a year ago, and am pushing myself back into the routine of life.  I strive to succeed at least one day a week, but the effect of those surgeries and pain on my MS has made for a slow recovery.  But it is a recovery, and that's important.  My granddaughter turns two soon and is fiercely intelligent, super adorable, and scarily fearless.  This child will be jumping out of planes by the time she is five.  I wish my daughter the best of luck with that.

Time comprehension is difficult for me and I have memory issues, so my health acts as a way point for determining when happenings happened.  Since the last surgery in October 2016, my soul sister passed away unexpectedly, I got really sick and landed my butt in bed for a month, and now I'm here, celebrating my debut novel.  It's not all doom and gloom.  We just tend to focus more on the negative, which I handle the best I can with humor.  So, good things happened - I mean, obviously - I did beat cancer!  And I published my book.  And the sequel is written and has been through extensive edits, so it won't be long to follow.

In addition to finding a semblance of routine in my life through fatigue and the gazillion specialists I see, (you can only LOL - I mean literally, it's the only thing that helps), I shall endeavor to neglect this blog LESS.  I want to share my excitement, my weirdness, my insight into my book and the process, and I want to let my cats rant.  They have to live with me.  I think they've earned it.  But for now, I will close and say thank you for reading this far, and you get, like, . . . 3,000 bonus points if you actually bought my book while I hummed elevator music, because that's just awesome! 

MRI Update

A lot has happened, so this is a quick (yeah right) follow up.  The MRI scan showed no change in the brain lesions from the last MRI (that's good) and the brain lesions don't highlight with contrast (also good).  Cervical spine was clear - I have a slightly bulging disc, but it's not causing any trouble.  My doctor did find a lesion on my thoracic spine that stretches over several vertebrae.  She believes this is causing the issues I'm having with my bowel/bladder function, back and leg pain, and leg weakness.  We did a lab to test for NMO (Neuromyelitis Optica) due to the lesion's location and size.  I received the results of that today - it was not conclusively negative, but they did not find the antibodies they would expect to find (that's good - and my doctor expected it to come back negative).  In addition to the lab, she ran an aggressive 5-day course of IV steroids to calm things down.  My last day was Sunday. 

The steroids were tough.  My BP was down all five days, so it was hard for the nurses to stick me.  But I got through it.  I've gone through this before and usually I'm a ball of non-sleeping hyperactivity.  This time, I couldn't sleep, despite taking heavy sedatives, and I was exhausted the entire time.

Meanwhile, Barnes called on Friday and got me in yesterday.  At this point, with the new scan and the "new" lesion, my home doctors are on the same page, so this was just a consult and reiterated what I already know.  The doctor I saw there agrees with my home doctor's diagnosis and offered some strength and balance training tips.  Barnes was an interesting place, but going there it wasn't as necessary as it once was.  I have MS.  She did say that it's possible the autonomic dysfunction with my heart is related to my MS, but it is not being caused by the thoracic lesion.  She recommended that I stay on my current treatment course (fludro-cortisone and compression stockings).

Last night, I slept 12 hours (yay!) and, even though I woke up sore from the car ride, my back and legs do feel a little better.  I haven't noticed a changed in the bowel/bladder yet.  The nurses said that since the symptoms had been coming on over the last 6 months to a year it could take a few weeks for the steroids to start working.  My BP is still down and I'm dizzy, but I'm feeling more optimistic than I was.

Also, since having the hysterectomy, I've been more prone to heat intolerance and have had some trouble with temperature.  Until now, I've always been cold and heat has only aggravated my MS a handful of times.  Now I'm either hot or cold, and swing from extreme to the other without much of a comfort zone.  So, we did an estrogen test to rule out any side effects on the surgery (I still have my ovaries).  My estrogen levels are fine (that's good).

So I guess overall, after a long period of uncertainty, things are coming together, and I finally have answers.

Claustrophobic Escapade in an MRI!! Action! Thrills! Chills! Okay, not really...but I did freak out...

It is uncommon for me to post health or revealing updates on Facebook.  If I'm having a rough day or feeling down and really need a friend on Facebook to cheer me up, I may post something like, "Someone sing Soft Kitty to me."  Most people who are close to me know what's going on so I don't need to throw it out there constantly for public display or pity.  There is nothing wrong with giving people updates on Facebook, but I have seen it taken to the extreme in a narcissistic way, so I choose to post "real stuff" selectively.

I speak more freely here, however, not only because I started this blog after my Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis as a central location for friends and family to get updates, but also because the traffic flow seems to center on health-related posts.  So...here's an update...and it's going to sound like a story, because I'm in a writing mood...but it's all true...^_^

First - I am claustrophobic.  It started after I visited San Antonio, Texas, when the daily "actual" temperature was over 105 degrees.  After parking in a River Walk garage, my friends and I hopped into the elevator and headed down, picking up some...interesting...folks along the way.  Among them - a man and his elderly mother, a biker couple who smelled like they hadn't bathed in weeks, and a group of Asian men who claimed, "We can fit; we are skinny!"  (Yes, that is a direct quote.)  That makes eleven-twelve people in a tiny metal box with no air conditioning on a hot, hot day.  And in that tiny metal box with no air conditioning on that hot, hot day, after the Asian men boarded, the doors closed, they hit the ground floor button, and then...nothing.  NOTHING.

"Try the emergency phone!"

The wires were there, but the phone was gone.

"Try the emergency button!"

Pressed.  Many times.  No reply.

It.  Got.  Hot.  And it.  Got.  Hotter.

And I was pressed against the wall behind the rank couple, while the rest of my group were on the opposite wall behind the man and his mother - who was freaking out because we were all going to die (or something).  I, too, was freaking out internally because I didn't want to cook in a tiny metal box trapped in the corner behind the stink of bad B.O., but I was scanning the ceiling for a non-existent access panel while the Asian men tried to pry the door open (it didn't budge).  I did call out to try something and was startled by the fright in my voice.  I was on the edge of a full grown freak out...I couldn't see my husband and I was about to lose it...

Suddenly a female voice snapped at us.  I don't remember what she said, but it lent the image of a surly, gum-snapping, chain-smoking desk clerk who simply couldn't be bothered with the likes of us - perhaps it was Judge Judy or Jerry Springer time...I don't know.  We were an inconvenience.

"We're trapped!"
"The door's won't open!"
"The elevator isn't moving!"
"Let us out!"

We all talked at once, our panic coalescing with relief to form a weird hybrid tone that echoed off the hot tin box's walls.  The woman sarcastically snapped something else...like we were the idiots because her elevator didn't work...and then...the doors opened.  Everyone except the biker couple got off in favor of the stairs.

In truth, I was probably only stuck for 5 minutes, but in that stinky, hot, sweaty box, those 5 minutes could have been an hour or more.  I took the stairs for years and only starting using elevators again when my MS made that too difficult.

Ok, this is turning into one of my usual, long posts, but that was kind of funny in hind sight.  A quick aside - during that same trip to San Antonio, upon arriving in our hotel room and plopping down in a chair opposite the bed, I saw something sticking out above the box springs.  We lifted the mattress and discovered a big, bright green...um, adult pleasure aide...stuffed under there, which would have been IMPOSSIBLE to miss when (read:  IF) the bed had been made with clean sheets.  Eww!

Back on track - I'm claustrophobic.  Any time I get an MRI, I am sedated.  Last fall, I had two scans in a row - one of the brain and one of the cervical spine (I think).  I woke up half way through the second scan and had an internal freak out.  Not only am I shoved into a tiny tube, but my head is fastened to the table in a basket.  Tiny tube...I can manage...I can see the exit.  Being strapped to a table?  NO!!  I freaked out during the tilt-table exam when they were testing to see why my blood pressure drops so suddenly and I wasn't even enclosed in anything!  Simply being strapped to the table did it.  (In my case, that test was a worthless waste of money.  I have Autonomic Dysfunction of the Central Nervous System, which is another wiring issue, but a different wiring issue than MS.  My brain isn't communicating properly with my heart and other body parts that should function on their own.  The other heart tests did show that my heart pumps at a low-normal rate, but is otherwise healthy.)

The MRI nurses were supposed to give me the max dose of sedation possible so I would go all three scans (brain and full spine), but it wasn't enough.  One of my MS symptoms is the inability to stand for more than a few minutes at time, or sit or lay in the same positions for long periods of time.  I get very sore and very stiff, and my limbs fall asleep very easily.  During Thursday's scan, I woke up with 45 minutes to go.  I'd been on the table for over an hour and fifteen minutes.  The basket on my head was tighter than it's ever been and I was in pain - a lot of it.  It felt like a sideways nail was digging into my head and jagged rocks were smashing into my lower back.  My left arm was half-numb - I couldn't feel or move two fingers, and my legs both hurt (an achy, coursing pain) and were going numb.

I alerted the radiologist and the tech of my situation.  They were very kind and said they could pull me out and send what they had, but if I could hang on a little while longer, they could get it all done.  They hadn't even gotten to the contrast yet, so I pulled back mentally and tried to focus.  Even with all the cognitive issues I have, I am good at compartmentalizing and going to what people refer to as their "happy place" when I need to.  In a normal, claustrophobic-type situation, I visualize an expansive field of bright green and soft lavender swaying in a light breeze.  The sun is shining so brightly it fills a cloudless sky and shoves the bright blue color into the peripheral.  The light is warm on my skin and makes the flowers' clean, spicy scent explode around me as the breeze caresses my face.  I can stay there as long as I like, brushing the flowers with my fingers and bathing in the sun.

But excruciating pain made going there impossible.  My purple field turned into a dingy gray, windowless dungeon with rusty chains and cuffs hanging from the walls.  There wasn't even an iron door...it was just a stone box...and the words "torture" and "trapped" kept popping into my head.  I was stuck.  I couldn't move or I'd mess up the scans and the pain would be for nothing.  I shoved the dungeon away with numbers.  I counted.  For a solid fifteen minutes, I focused only on counting and slowly moving my left arm to wake it up.

The radiologist announced that I had twenty minutes left and asked if I was okay.  I whispered, "yes," and started to cry.  I almost lost it.  I began to hyperventilate and my body started heaving, but I again thought that if I moved, I'd screw up the scans.  I sucked in a deep breath and tried counting again.  It worked for five minutes, but then I noticed the magnet heating up my body, which drew my attention back to the pain, which was worse than it had been upon first waking.  The rocks digging into my back were sharper and the nail was trying to carve a path into my skull.  As tears streamed from the corners of my eyes, I gritted my teeth and started singing "Soft Kitty" to myself in my head.  BUT I FORGOT ONE OF THE VERSES!!

How does that happen?  "Soft Kitty" is such a simple song.  I watch The Big Bang Theory all the time.  I have it on a t-shirt.  I even have a cat that sings it for crying out loud! 

I had to make a verse up, but that in and of its self was an excellent distraction, for a short while.  The pain got worse and my body was threatening to quake into a meltdown.  Finally, I prayed.  I started to panic during my prayer, but - compartmentalizing the freak out part - I reminded myself to get the prayer out there and then freak out.  So I prayed.  And then I focused on God.   I kept thinking, "Help me through this, help me through this, help me through this...make it worth it, please make it worth it..."

Then they pulled me out to inject the contrast.  A whoosh of cold air ran over me, which I inhaled deeply.  The contrast was cold as it ran through my veins and the cold air going up my nose was comforting, even as I went back into the tube.  I don't remember what I focused on next, because before I knew it, the radiologist announced that I had 9 minutes left, and then 3 minutes left, and then they were pulling me out, releasing the basket from my head and moving the pillows from beneath my legs.  My tears gushed forth and I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.  They stood on either side of me, concerned and asking if I was ok.  I croaked over the lump in my throat and nodded.  With their help, I sat up, I rubbed the back of my head, and stretched my back and legs.  My right leg was half gone, so they both had to walk me to the chair.  I held it mostly together until I got into the car with my husband, which is when all the energy I had contained in the tube rushed out and I bawled and bawled.  I cried out about the pain and freaking out and that I'd forgotten the words to Soft Kitty.  My husband held my hand and I heard him say, "Soft Kitty..."

I looked over at him.  He hadn't sung it - my husband doesn't sing - but the look on his face reminded me of how Sheldon's eyebrows dart up and he gets that almost stern, prompting stare in his eye.  So I whispered, "Warm Kitty..."  And we said the rest together until we reached the verse I'd forgotten..."Happy Kitty..."  (I had inserted "Precious Kitty") and the we finished it.  My crying reduced to the sniffles and I held onto his arm the entire way home.

Thanks to the nurse who was caring for me, I now know that IV sedation with pain medication is an option for people like me.  I wish I had known of it prior to this, but I never could have imagined how bad this was going to be.  I've been taking pain meds and muscle relaxers since I got home.  I woke up yesterday so stiff that I stood up to stretch and fell back on top of the bed like a board.  I slowly and painfully curled into the fetal position and tried to figure out what to do about work.  Then I got another charlie horse in my calf (I've had three in the same spot all together, so each one hurts much worse than the last), so I took more pills, and obtained permission to work from home.  I woke up at 4:45am this morning  in pain and took another pain pill.  My left wrist, back, neck, legs, and even the back of my head still hurt, and the stiffness is getting worse.  I will stay on the pain meds only for as long as I need them, and will try to stretch and move around a bit today to alleviate the stiffness.

I don't know what or why, but the radiologist "scanned an extra body part."  I see my doctor on Tuesday to get the results.  We are looking for changes in lesions or lesions along my spine.  I don't know about the extra body part, but it happened "because of something."

I've thought about trying the open MRI, but the basket on my head is what really gets me, and I'd still have to lay still for the same length of time.  The next time I need multiple scans, I will either break them up or request the IV sedation.  I know this pain is going to last me into next week.  And that really sucks, because I was starting to feel better.  It's always shocking to me at how quickly I can go from feeling "ok" to chronic/constant pain.  I was referred to Barnes Jewish Hospital back in June, but have had a hard time reaching any body there.  I've finally found someone in the Administrative Department who is trying to help me.  If not for the fact that I know people who have been helped by Barnes, I would say this whole referral debacle has been a horrible joke.  Unfortunately, Mayo is not an option with my health insurance, but I plan to see if any place else is covered.

So that's been my last few days.  I was diagnosed with MS at age 31.  I went into the ER on a summer night - Friday the 13th - with stroke-like symptoms and a mass was found on a CT scan.  An MRI and spinal tap, along with symptom progression confirmed it.  My official diagnosis took less than three months and I started treatment.  I was lucky.  Most people suffer with MS for years or decades before getting diagnosed or treated.  Many people with MS have worse symptoms than I do.  The average life expectancy is age 65, but most forms of MS are not fatal.  Much like with other immune-related diseases, MS doesn't kill, but it weakens the body or immune system so that something like the common cold becomes a killer.  We need better treatments.  We need a cure.

As always, please forgive any typos.  I am tired now and am going to take a nap. Thanks for reading.

Health Update: Adenomyosis, Mirena, and Some Other Stuff

Today is a writing day, but I wanted to post something first, so expect more odd bits of info strung together without any real relation to one another.  Such is my way.  ^_^

After a summer filled with pain so immense it was untouchable by OTC pain killers, along with prescription pain meds and antibiotics, doctors, xrays, ct-scans, procedures, and mris, I finally have an answer, and for once, I am afflicted with something that can be cured.  The likely culprit:  adenomyosis, which is similar to endometriosis, except that it occurs within the uterus.  My doctor dismissed endometriosis rather quickly due to prior surgeries and the time duration for symptom onset.  She said that signs for endometriosis are usually present early in life and that there was no evidence of endometriosis during an abdominal surgery about five years ago.  Plus, the symptom onset happened steadily over a period of months this past year and then worsened suddenly with acute, localized pain.  We did officially rule out endometriosis with a surgical procedure, but adenomyosis can only be officially diagnosed after the uterus is removed and the organ tissue tested.

Treatment was started by using a Mirena IUD to secrete a hormone into my body that has proven helpful to many women.  In my case, however, I was in constant pain, with a chronic spot localized in the lower right quadrant of my abdomen that sometimes expanded to my lower belly and up toward my right ovary.  Other days, I had horrible cramping pain, which required prescription medication to control.  Other side effects I experienced over this two week period:  increase in hair loss, facial flushing (I'm usually paler than a ghost and my face was sunburn-red), rapid heartbeat, mood changes (anxious, impatient, agitated, depressed), pain, excessive bleeding, and throbbing, pressurized/crushing headaches.  In addition, a few side effects affected my preexisting conditions.  The chronic pain was near a nerve that runs down my right leg, which aggravated my MS in that leg and made it feel like I was going to "lose" it (one of my MS afflictions is that I'll lose partial feeling in my leg(s) or they will feel weak - I refer to this as "losing my legs").  And, mostly with the flushing events, I would feel very warm/hot (no fever), but I have an atypical form of Raynaud's Syndrome and my feet would still be ice cold.  In those situations, I was too hot to sit under a blanket and my feet would be sweating, but freezing.  It was rather odd to experience and frustrating. 

Probably needless to say at this point:  I told my doctor about my symptoms and we decided to remove the IUD.  The next day, I felt immediately better.  The chronic pain was gone, as were the flushing, headaches, etc.  My mood even felt better.  She suspected that my body was rejecting it and attacking it as a foreign body, so I'm on a short course of antibiotics to calm things down.  But to back up just a moment, after removing the IUD, which, in my case, was the best (and pretty much only) form of treatment, my doctor and I discussed the next step.  There are other courses of action, such as trying other hormone/birth control-related treatments, cauterizing the uterine lining, etc, but, in my case, the only next step was a hysterectomy.  The reason why I say "in my case," is because I am very sensitive to medications and my medical history, along with my symptoms, left us with only that option.  Cauterizing the uterine lining helps women where heavy bleeding is the main issue, but it does nothing for pain.  We decided to remove only the uterus so that I wouldn't be forced into early menopause (I'm not even 40 yet!), with yearly checkups to make sure my ovaries are still healthy.

Honestly, after being diagnosed with more incurable syndromes than I can count on one hand, I welcome this hysterectomy.  Finally, I can take control my body and permanently get rid of one element of my pain, which my neurologist believes will also help with my MS symptoms (the constant pain has just been aggravating everything).  (We did mris of my brain and cervical spine, and things are looking good - still have the spots, but the biggest spot is looking even better than it did last year.)  So...yes I'm nervous about major surgery, but I'm more happy that I have an answer and a solution.  I meet with the surgeon next week, and am on the wait list for an opening this month, otherwise I have two tentative dates set for December.  I'll be looking at an overnight hospital stay followed with 2-3 weeks off work, but my position allows me to work from home, so I can cut down my actual off time when I feel up to working (as long as I take care of myself first).

In other health news, another doctor took me off Topamax, which I had been taking to suppress dreams and aid with sleep.  Since then, I've noticed a drastic reduction in many of the symptoms I've been experiencing in addition to what was going on in the paragraphs above.  I had chronic and horrible joint paint, mostly in my elbows, hips, lower back, and occasionally in other joints like my wrists, knees or knuckles.  I was also cognitively disoriented, sometimes to the point that I could barely function at work and was worthless at home - I couldn't think of words, form cohesive thoughts, and was a growing danger because of short-term memory loss.  There was a time in my MS history where that had gotten so bad that I needed to leave post-it notes all over the house to remind me to do things, and I literally was a danger to myself - I almost burned our house down after starting something on the stove and wandering off due to getting sidetracked.  My doctor had told me upfront that Topamax in MS patients either helps or exacerbates their symptoms.  It did exacerbate my symptoms in that I had more numbness/tingling in my legs, full body weakness, and daily headaches, but until we hit 100mg, I was willing to deal with the side effects because the medication worked.  Now that I'm off of it, however, I wish I had done so sooner.  Within the first few days, the mental fog lifted and I was able think more clearly than I had in months.  I could watch movies and tv and put plots together, whereas before, I was a vegetable letting the story stream into my eyes where it dispersed into my brain like a mist never to be formed into a drop of water.  After a week, I noticed the joint pain diminishing.  Eventually, the numbness/weakness got better, and all but pain in my right hip remained - and it was pain from stiffness, not from the joint.  I finally knew what was MS and what was Topamax.  And the best part is that around the time he took me off the Topamax, I had discovered the dual layered Melatonin tablet and obtained his approval to begin using it at bedtime.  It did take some adjusting to dreaming again, but the melatonin has been an excellent replacement as far as sleep therapy goes.  I am sleeping much better now.  I think I mentioned this melatonin in a previous post, along with a supplement beverage called Neuro Sleep (the bottle says to drink the whole thing, but since I take the tablet, I only drink a little over an 1/8 of the bottle every night - one bottle usually lasts about a week).  What a great combination.

So there's the good news I've been waiting to hear all summer, and it couldn't have come at a better time.  I have something to take my mind off losing Neko and I'm in a better place mood-wise to deal with her loss (between the Mirena and Topamax).  I wrote a thank you letter to her doctors and staff at the hospital, which included tidbits about her life and some pictures.  I delivered it when I picked up her ashes.  It was devastating to see that little box.  My sweet Neko-chan has been reduced to a black bag of ash in a small wooden box.  :'(  But at least she's home.

When my husband called to tell me that David wasn't going to make it, I was sitting in a Wal-Mart parking lot with a box of tissues.  "Shadow of the Day" by Linkin Park came on the radio after we hung up and I cried alone in my car.  Given the song's lyrics, the timing was impeccable and made me cry harder.  It became David's song, and for a long time, I cried when I heard it, but now I can listen to it and just think of David.

On the drive home the afternoon we had to euthanize Neko, I knew that listening to music would have a similar affect.  I don't listen to the radio anymore, so for a while, I drove in silence, not wanting any song to have that influence.  But I knew that in time, during my grief, it was inevitable, so I picked the song(s).  I didn't have "Shadow of the Day" on my flash drive, but I did have Dead to Sunrise's "Too Late" and Linkin Park's "Waiting for the End."  I played both.  Both made me cry harder.  Both are now Neko's songs.  But that's okay with me.  I think it's fitting.  All three songs fit well together, and since they are all sung by the same person (Chester Bennington, the lead vocalist for Linkin Park, started Dead to Sunrise), the somewhat soothing effect of  "Shadow of the Day" adds a calming element to the other two songs.  I can listen to them and remember fond memories instead of feeling an urgent need to cry.  I have had to find new ways to cope with this loss, and mixing these songs into my playlist has actually been helpful.

Speaking of playlists, I'm always behind the trends and don't discover "new" music until long after it's out in the mainstream.  My latest discovery is Lady Gaga.  Yes, I am that far behind, and yes, I like Lady Gaga.  Until recently, I had only heard "Poker Face" a few times, but I have seen her make appearances on shows and so forth, and I liked her every time I saw her.  She has the aura of a strong woman with hidden vulnerabilities, and she seems honest and genuine, as well as approachable, like a normal person even though she's this huge sensation.  I realize that makes me sound like I idolize her, but these are merely statements of observation and the only reason I mention them now is because I've been enjoying her album "Born this Way" - particularly "Government Hooker," "Bloody Mary," and "Heavy Metal Lover."  Finding "new" music is also nice during a mourning period, since it can draw one out of the past (where one tends to dwell on nostalgia).  Next on my buy list is Foster the People (again, I know I am SO behind).  I can't remember how I came to find them, but I love "Pumped Up Kicks" and "Houdini."  I have to laugh at myself.  For loving music as much as I do, I should go back to listening to the radio...but no.  I won't.  After all, the radio wouldn't have helped me find Gus Gus.  ^_^

In writing news, I'm still working on my one page synopsis and I'm still not sure what to cut.  I've also written a few pages of ideas to move the plot forward in the third manuscript and have been thinking a lot about the scenes in the second manuscript.  This is all basically me revving up to get back into writing mode.  I am going to write today, but then I have to go into agent hunting mode again (unless I can get my synopsis done, because I have an agent to query with that).  I had two queries out and received a rejection yesterday, so it's time to keep moving forward.  After experiencing the hurt of the first few rejections, I've gotten into the mindset that I should expect rejections and it's worked.  I get one and just move on.  It only takes one yes and it's that one yes that I'm searching for.  Writing and reading are so subjective and so competitive that expecting a yes every time just isn't realistic or logical. 

You know - I think, just maybe, one of these days I'll write something short and to the point.  Um...-_-'  Then again, anyone who's read my manuscripts or this blog knows how fond I am of words...so maybe not.    The blog has seen a large upswing in traffic, so I'd like to thank everyone for reading and putting up with my eccentricities.  I hope you're enjoying it or finding the information you're looking for.  The "Writing as Catharsis" post made me realize that my posts are so scattered because I just enjoy writing, but I do need to work on my rambling.  ^_^