Life & Writing Updates

Things at Pavlik HQ have been busy as usual.  Gunner, my husband's retired EOD K-9, crossed the Rainbow Bridge on March 19.  He was a part of our lives for nearly a decade, so we're rediscovering "normal" life where we can and making up the rest as we go.  Gunner was so much more than a pet.  He "spoke" five languages, came to the United States from Slovakia, and had the mentality of a 6-year-old.  He was Tim's partner for 9 years, putting his life on the line every single day.  They were attached at the hip, even after Gunner retired and spent his days at home with me and the cats instead of with Tim.  As soon as Tim got home from work, Gunner lit up, always excited to see his guy and to return to his side.  The house is empty and quiet without him, and his absence has left a large hole in our lives.

In other, typically-Pavlik, news, I was diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder.
  It's not great news by any means, and might end up being the worst news I've ever gotten, but it does answer so many questions for my doctors.  After more than 5 months of my doctor and I arguing with insurance, we finally approached the lab directly and they agreed to run the required DNA panels at no cost to me.  This is an insanely great development, as this disorder has several subgroups, one of which being fatal, that can be confirmed with DNA testing.  Additionally, there is a global push for genetic testing to further research.  There is no cure and currently no adequate treatments for the defect itself.  People with this disorder are born with faulty collagen and not only suffer through life, but sometimes live rather short lives.  The results should arrive any day.

As is also typical for me, when I need something good in my life, I make something good in my life.  Today, I received my physical proof for my short story novelette, How to Make Lemonade.  I've had fun developing a few digital images using both photographs and original drawings, which I then replicated via pencil sketch and colored using blended oil pastel and chalk/charcoal pencils.  To complete the illustrations, I then merged the digital and physical copies and created hand-touched pictures with the added depth of digital.  I will post about this separately soon.  This should go live by the end of next week!

I'm still rather active on Instagram.  The writing community there is supportive and interactive, and it's nice to be apart of a group of like-minded individuals.  I'd been searching for a support group for my health, but I don't fit in with the MS or EDS communities, although both are helpful at piecing together ways to cope with my unique needs, so it's awesome to connect with other authors, writers, and readers.  It has truly worked wonders for coping with everything despite being completely unrelated to my health.

In fact, I've connected with an author whose books I enjoy, Serene Conneeley, who interviewed me for her Camp Nano MoWri daily challenge for today.  Check out her site to read the interview and check out her books, HERE!  I also reviewed one of her books a few posts down.  And I enjoy interacting with author Ruth Miranda, whose Blood Trilogy I am currently reading.  The review of the first book, BLOOD, is also in the posts below.  More reviews coming soon!

Finally, I'm preparing for my speaking engagement at the Tolono Library on April 23!  The library has received quite a bit of interest, so I'm nervous.  (laughs)  I'm seriously looking forward to it, though. I love talking about my books, the writing process, and so forth, and I'm not afraid of talking in front of people.  I am a little scared that my MS brain will steal something from me mid-sentence or mid-explanation, but that's a daily thing, so I'll deal with it, like I deal with everything else!

Bye for now!

   

Rising Up to Fight

My life is an odd balance of good and bad.  I never thought I was too superstitious, but when "the good" came in heaping piles earlier this year, I knew something was coming.  I wasn't wrong.  The last three weeks have been some of the roughest of my life.

I am, unquestionably, lucky and blessed in most aspects of life, which allows me to say (and mean) that I live happily and have a good life.  It pretty much goes wrong with my body and health.  I am up at 0330 writing this, after all.

Over all the years I used this blog as a platform to keep family and friends updated, I guarantee I've never listed more than half of what is wrong with me.  So, I won't start now.  But if you've followed me, then you know the biggies:  Multiple Sclerosis, Breast Cancer, Valvular Heart Disease, and now Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS).

EDS is a rare genetic disorder that causes a defect in how the body makes (or doesn't make) collagen.  It's a connective tissue disorder.  There are 13 subgroups with a lot of overlap between them.  Some are diagnosed by symptoms and some by genetic testing.  I am pending genetic testing, but I've been confirmed for Hypermobility Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS) and I have visual and historical symptoms for Vascular EDS (vEDS).  Vascular EDS has a high accuracy rating on genetic testing, so that diagnosis isn't confirmed yet.

I've been given so much to read, it's overwhelming.  I think, if I was healthy, it might not seem like such a blow, but given everything else, this is hard.  To put it into perspective, when I learned about Breast Cancer, I was home alone.  I called my neighbor, who was like a sister, and she rushed over with shoulders to cry on.  And then we fought.  And we won.  I went at the doctors like, "Let's do this!  Cure me!"  I can't say I didn't cry in the years that followed, but cancer didn't break me.  I beat it.

Multiple Sclerosis didn't break me.  The uncertainty of my future almost did, but I learned how to reframe my thinking and planning, and that made a huge difference.  I've also been in weekly therapy for years to help manage my symptoms.  After I first learned I had MS, I went home, put headphones in, and walked around my garden for a while.  I'd stop and look out over the field, the back of the house, or just stare blankly at the sky.  I was mourning the life I thought I'd have, which I had to do to accept my new life.  I can't win against MS, but I can actively fight it.  So I do.

EDS . . . wow.  I just - I don't know where to start.  I've known for the last two years that the doctors were missing something, and that's not a slight against how good they are.  I have great doctors.  It's a testament to how rare this disorder is.  One of my doctors says I'm his "most monitored patient" and he usually sees people twice my age (seriously).  So, of course, the first question everyone asks me is, "How did they miss this your whole life?"  Because, yes, I was born with this.  It's a genetic disorder.  Whether I inherited it from one of my parents, both of them, or my genes mutated when I was a fetus, I was born with it and have unknowingly been adapting to it all my life.

EDS answers questions about my life that I didn't even know I had.  It's taught me that things I thought were normal about my body are totally not.  And that some seemingly benign things, like having super soft skin, are actually symptoms.

So the next question is why did they find it now?  I am stubborn with my pain levels.  I live in constant pain.  I don't want to depend on controlled substances to the point of resistance or dependency, so I will push it until I can't take it anymore.  Several of my providers think I'm too hard on myself in that regard, and (responsibly) advise that I treat my pain more than I do.  That said, I've been suffering agonizing joint pain for most of this year.  It started in my left elbow and then my right knee suddenly got bad, fast.  At times, I couldn't put weight on it.  Then I woke up a few mornings in a row unable to move my right shoulder without manually manipulating it first.

When I woke up and couldn't move my right shoulder or stand up, I knew I'd pushed it too far.  I got in with Rheumatology and was lucky enough to get a doctor who knew what I had by just pressing on my knuckle.  There was no collagen between the bones.  Also luckily, my health care system has one of three geneticists in the state and she's an EDS expert.  They got me in with her the next day.  Unfortunately, having a connective tissue disorder with a hypermobility aspect and  MS is going make "things very hard" for me.  EDS is not understood well, not many doctors know anything about it, and there's not really anything you can do for it other than preventative maintenance like physical therapy or massage therapy, and pain management.

I'm sure you're asking, "Lucky?"  Well, yeah.  I have answers now.  I've been poked and prodded and tested as  a medical mystery for so long, it's my normal.  My doctors have answers.

My friends and family have questions.  Too many questions.  It's been overwhelming to get a diagnosis like this with the expectation that I read up on it so I can have an educated conversation with the Geneticist after my test results are back, to process what I'm reading (because it's not great), and to field a thousand questions coming from every angle.  I've been filtering info out to family privately and on Facebook as I'm feeling up to it.  I have to be ready to tackle EDS to talk about it and I'm still not sure that this isn't the one that breaks me.  I certainly feel broken.

As with any diagnosis, in the beginning everyone tries to cram hope and sunshine down your throat.  It was the same with MS.  From personal experience, that's a shitty thing to do.  Giving people hope isn't a bad thing, but the way it's done dismisses the patient's fears and isn't realistic.  I've been through it with MS.  I mean no disrespect, but I don't need unrealistic hope.  I see through the bullshit.  I live in my body.  I'm not a pessimist.  To me, the glass isn't half full or half empty - it can be refilled.

EDS adds the certainty that MS lacks.  Those two together are formidable.  I am looking at a future of debilitating pain, physical disability, worsening mobility, and no real way to manage any of it.  That makes researching this so much worse.  I try to stick with facts, but it's good to get an idea of what EDS patients live with and their stories are heartbreaking.  At this point, I'd like to acknowledge that this is long and that you have no idea how many times I've had to stop typing because I can't deal with this.  Taking even just a second to take in a breath and close my eyes, helps.  Like I can lose this reality in that brief dark, respite.

So that's hEDS is a very small nutshell.  There's so much too it.  It's connective tissue.  It's your skin, your tendons, your organs, everything in the soft or connective tissues.  I can literally say that I'm literally falling apart at the seams.  It's everything.

And that doesn't include the fact that I glossed over vEDS.  It's not just me saying that I likely have it.  It's my cardiac history, it's my doctors who know about vEDS asking about my heart in that gentle voice that doctors use for delicate issues, it's knowing that I have leaky valves - the valves in the heart that are made of connective tissue.  The one, big complication of vEDS (and rarely in hEDS) is that the aortic valve will "slip" and cause massive internal blood loss that leads to a fatal heart attack.  Until the geneticist saw the vascular signs, she had started talking about how EDS generally isn't fatal and that hEDS will be minor compared to MS.  That speech disappeared quickly and life expectancy wasn't brought up again.

The median life expectancy for vEDS is 48.  When MS is the cause of cardiac issues, the median life expectancy is 45.  One of those two things is responsible for what's going on with my heart.  If that is all true, I have 3-6 years, maybe.  And it'll probably happen fast.  I've taken many breaks trying to get through this paragraph.  I can't stop the tears.  I thought I was mourning my life with MS?  Wow.

I don't put any of this stuff out there for sympathy or pity.  I'm an odd duck with weird things that people don't understand.  I try to help them understand.  I try to answer questions in one fell swoop instead of repeating myself over and over - that's so stressful.  I try to find others like me that I can learn from.  I want to share my experiences.  I suppose like any of us, I want to know that my life will have mattered after I'm gone.  And facing mortality, again in a matter of three years, is a big deal.

I don't know if it ever really occurred to me that I could've died fighting cancer, but I do know that I prepared for the possibility on the surface.  I got powers of attorney, a living will, and a DNR order.  I made sure that people knew what to do if something went wrong in surgery.  I asked my best friend to help my husband unload my geeky collections when he was ready.

But now?  This is so different.  This is looking at unread books and not knowing if I'll ever read them.  It's wanting to research Batman because there are gaps that I want to fill.  It's hoping I can go back to Florida one more time before I die.  It's hoping I get to finish writing my books so I don't leave my readers hanging.  It's truly getting my affairs in my order.  Reinstating my DNR.  Talking with my husband about what I need to do now to make it easier on him when I'm not here anymore.  I can't scratch the surface of this on a deeper level...my husband, my daughter, my granddaughter - I just can't face that yet.  So yes, right now, it might seem superficial, but don't judge until you're sitting in my shoes - which I don't like to wear because they make it harder to walk.

I know.  It's easy to sit on the other side and say that I don't know what's going to happen.  I don't.  I could die in a car crash on the way to one of my multiple doctor appointments tomorrow (which actually makes a stronger case for having your shit together to help your loved ones when you pass).  I could defeat the odds and live to 92.  Most of the people in my family live ridiculously long lives and are tough.  But I'm only human, with human fears and emotions, and I can only take so much in stride before I break.  I don't like to play what ifs.  It's actually something I bring out in my writing.  My characters will say that what ifs mean nothing and waste energy.  For the most part, that's true.  But there is a time and a place where using them to plan is necessary, and this is the time.

Maybe those tests will show I don't have vEDS.  Honestly?  I'm not going to believe it.  There's a 1-2% error margin.  That should be a relief if it comes back negative.  But I know what symptoms I show and my history.  Even if that test comes back negative, it is possible to overlap with hEDS, which I DO HAVE.  The good news there is that if we can manage it, I can add a decade or two back (from a cardiac standpoint), and the aortic valve slippage is possible, but rare with hEDS.  Which brings me back to pain and disability and a dark hole.  Do I want to live longer in agony?  Or die sooner?  It doesn't really matter what I want.  I'm not in control of that.

I control whether I fight or not.  And I fight.  Pain or agony be damned.  I'm a survivor and that's because I fight.  Death will win, eventually.  None of us can win that fight.  But we can fend him off.  That's our choice.

Even in a dark hole, I will eventually find light.

Nightwing and the Library

 Ok, so the two have nothing to do with each other.  Maybe.  We'll see how this post goes.

DC Collectible Batman Black & White Nightwing by Jim Lee (image source:  comicbook.com)

When I'm stressed, overstimulated, or overwhelmed--good or bad--I stress shop.  The other night, I was "writing" and ended up falling madly in love with 2 Nightwing statues/figures.  Obviously, if I was falling madly in love with Nightwing, I wasn't writing.  ;)

Although, technically, I opened the browser to research materials used for men's summer suits and formal attire, so it started out book-related.  How I got to Nightwing, I have no idea.  He looks nice in a suit, though.

Dick Grayson in a suit.  (image source:  Book Riot)

And how did I fall madly in love with Nightwing anyway?  I was already madly in love with him.  Queue Janis.  "Oh.  My.  God."  I mean, have you seen him?  And then to find one based on the legendary Jim Lee's art??  (Confession:  I love LOVE love Jim Lee's art.  Give that man a sharpy and he'll draw something awesome on the spot, no errors.  Perfection.)

So . . . the Black and White Nightwing (#736/5000) arrived yesterday and is guarding my mantle (or enjoying being eye candy, who knows).

The other Nightwing figure?  Queue bloody nose and extreme Janis.  "OH.  MY. GAAAAAAWD!"  Enter Kotobukiya's Ikemen Series.  This lone picture doesn't do him justice.  Check out Kotobukiya's website for photos from every angle, and good luck finding one in stock anywhere.  Most sold out in during the 2017 pre-order window.

Kotobukiya's Ikemen Series, kicked off with nightwing.  Stock photo.

The Ikemen figure comes with three faces and a separate mask so you can have Nightwing in full costume or flashing those baby blues with or without his lips parted and holding his mask.  (I'm dying here Kotobukiya.)  He hasn't arrived yet.  I.  Can't.  Wait.

When I first saw it, I was captivated.  It's gorgeous.  He's beautiful.  Black and White Nightwing is edgy.  Ikemen Nightwing is sensual.  And the more I stared at him, the more I realized he kind of looks similar to how I see Eric in my head.  A bit younger, but the hair and eyes . . . wow.

(Eric's appearance is supposedly 23-ish, but that's an 1864-65 version of 23, so I see him in his late 20s/early 30s.  Hardened by life.  More mature.  Battle worn.  For the longest time, I thought he'd look like Brandon Heat - with blue eyes - in Gungrave before he "died."  With Brandon's original eye color, if you visualized auburn hair and removed the glasses, you'd have an idea of how I see Jonathan, too. See below.)

Brandon Heat in Gungrave.  (Episode and image source unknown.)

Image above modified to look like Eric (blue eyes, no bags). 

I digress.  Prior to my Nightwing objectification, I already had the good news I wrote about in my previous post, plus, that day, I'd gone to the library and spoken with the librarian and her staff.  She wanted to put my books into circulation (in process!) and she's a cataloguing librarian, so both books will be catalogued with the Library of Congress!  I'm also looking forward to speaking engagements, readings, and/or workshops starting around mid-April.

Sidebar:  My MS is a bit of an odd duck.  I mean, ALL MS is different for each person, but generally, MS is sensitive to heat, so most MS Warriors hate summer.  Heat rarely bothers my MS as long as I'm careful with it.  However, COLD is another story.  I don't hate winter, but it is downright mean to me.  I am super hypersensitive to cold and am suspected of having S.A.D., so usually by Christmas, I'm in bed for the rest of winter.  The colder and wetter it is, the worse I feel.  But, usually, I'm up and itching to get out around April, and slowly, but surely, I get out of bed and recuperate.

This is all very exciting.  Everything that's going on with my childhood dream, the upcoming Dark History and Horror Con, the library, the LOC, the Midwest Book Review, progress on book 3, the Dark Moon Press vampire anthology (release TBA), closing in on Con preparations and book freebie/goodies.  Plus, good looking medical scans, (mostly) good lab work, and a follow up consult upcoming, along with another round of regular check ups with all of my specialists.  Even good news can be overstimulating and stressful; hence, 2 Nightwings to drool over (plus a secret fun buddy for the kitchen that I haven't told Tim about yet).  Oh, and two books (The Peach Keeper and The Sugar Queen by Sarah Addison Allen - love her).  I think I'm just antsy.  Or my anxiety is acting up just enough to cause trouble.  Like Loki.  But anyway, stress shopping FTW.  ^_^   

(Well, just not for my wallet.)  Haha.

Random Stuff - What I'm Up To

That moment when you want to write something, but sit down and can't think?  That's what this is.  (laughs)  I feel like I have a zillion and a half (the half is important) thoughts zooming through my mind.  If I catch one, I'll jot it down and maybe this post will be somewhat cohesive.  Fingers crossed.

A few months ago, chest pain took me to the ER twice in two weeks.  Abnormal EKGs and another doctor's concern had me held overnight the second time.  Since then, I've worn, and returned, a month-long heart event monitor and am awaiting the results.  At the moment, the issue remains unexplained.  Neurology and Cardiology are working together to figure out the cause:  my brain or my heart.  (Giggity)

Probably unsurprisingly so, I haven't felt that great lately.  I'm experiencing more issues with my arms, which, of course, causes issues with my hands and fingers.  Like last summer, I'm hitting extremely hard fatigue walls that knock me out for a few hours.  And I'm feeling a greater disconnect between myself and my brain.  I swear, I talk about my brain like we share a symbiotic relationship, and that's weird, I know, but it truly feels like it. 

This morning I was talking to my cats about finding Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card on Hulu last night, (there was a huge WHOO-HOO moment when I found the books on Rightstuf).  I couldn't get the words right.  I kept saying, "Cloudclaptor..."  I got frustrated and shut up.  (I think the cats were grateful.)  But this word slippage and other vocal issues have been getting worse.  I mumble now and don't realize it, I put the wrong consonants into words (like Funny instead of Money), and I randomly pick up an Irish or other foreign accent.  It's still at that super weird stage that makes us laugh when it happens. 

Speaking of Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card, I love it!  Sakura is one of the cutest and sweetest anime/manga characters, and the anime itself is always uplifting with positive interaction between Sakura and her friends.  Thankfully, there is no English dub to waste your time with (unlike the original season-don't, just don't).  I'm so used to watching the Sub that it'd be odd to hear other voices.  Since I am reading the manga, and am current, I'll eventually get to a point where I need to stop watching so I don't ruin the reading experience.  So far, it seems that several episodes fit into a book. 

I've also been reading the Sherlock manga that essentially takes the BBC show and puts it to paper.  It's pretty cool.  The lack of color pages does limit what the reader can deduce, which is my only complaint.  It's obvious from the first book:  A Study in Pink.  I missed quite a bit of the pink stuff since it's all in black or white.  Otherwise, it's cool to enjoy Sherlock in different mediums.  Like with Cardcaptor, I read the books first and then watch the show.  I realize this reveals that I'm a late comer to the BBC show, but oh well.  With only 3-4 episodes per season, I like the forced pacing.  I also enjoy Elementary and the Robert Downey Jr movies.  I have the Moriarty novel in my towering "to read" pile, and the collected works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.  The game is a foot!

My newest obsession is watching (and listening to) the ISS live feed here:  http://www.n2yo.com/space-station/.  The first few days I watched, it was silent, so it scared the beejees out of me when I was in another part of the house and heard a man talking in the supposedly empty loft.  I hadn't noticed the other live feeds on the page and got to watch one of the astronauts (Alex) working in the air lock.  It's fascinating!  And watching the sun set from the ISS roughly every 20 minutes is otherworldly.

I picked up a book called "Civil War Front Pages" by John Wagman.  It is absorbing.  It's difficult to read since much of the news print is small.  I happened to flip to the day the war ended and was amazed by the headlines, huge and bolded, with giant eagles of victory.  I wonder what it was like for people to see that on their newspaper in 1865 after years of a nation torn apart.  The grandeur of the headlines spoke volumes.

I'm a bit behind on my comics, but I'm enjoying the Doomsday Clock comic and the Justice League Dark tradebacks - I'm almost done with them.  I can't believe Doomsday Clock won't finish its run until next summer!  AND!  I am so, SO thankful that Netflix picked up Lucifer for season 4!  A tv without Tom Ellis on it would be a sad tv.  The saddest tv if ever there was.  Now it can be happy.  ^_^  I'm into the fourth volume of the Lucifer run by Mike Carey (he was created by Neil Gaiman in his Sandman series).  It is vastly different from the show, but that's a good thing, I think.  Because they are so different, spotting Easter Eggs on the show is extra cool.  I'm also still working my way through the Hellblazer tradebacks from the original run.  I grew up in the 80s, so seeing it portrayed in comic form as an adult is eye-opening.  With few differences, you'd think it was modern day - racism, fear of war, violence, etc.  Aside from the supernatural aspects of the story, it's very real and sometimes that makes it hard to read.  Not hard in a literal sense - it's like watching the news these days.  You need a break from it.  Hence - moving slowly. 

I think we're going to watch a movie soon, so I need to post this and "run."  (I don't run; I hobble.)  BUT - we watched Annihilation the other night and it's amazing.  Gorgeous shots with a story that doesn't ram itself down your throat.  Anyone who's played The Last of Us - watch this.  So many of the mutations in the shimmer are reminiscent of scenes in The Last of Us and even from The Evil Within 2.  I would love for a game developer to base a game on this movie/book series.  It has potential for some really cool things. 

Ok, well, I smell popcorn.  Confessions is still in the works - I've just taken a small break while other folks are critiquing.  I think we'll be on track for a July release.  ^_^

PS - there's a promo video for Confessions on my Amazon author page.  Watch it!  amazon.com/author/kastiepavlik 

Something, Something, Butterflies, Batman, and MS

Sometimes things in life add up perfectly, such as a butterfly posing patiently for its photograph.  In a heart-shaped spot of light in a dark forest on a sweltering day.  Often, that's not how it works, though.  And even greater still, even those "perfect" moments benefit from additional attention. 

Most of us touch up our photos now, just as I changed the contrast and brightness to highlight the butterfly's spotlight.  The heart is natural, though--capturing that photo was a stroke of luck.  It seemed like an appropriate picture to share on Earth Day.

I don't really have a specific topic for today.  My mind has been jumbled lately, my memory worse than usual.  I lose thoughts quicker than they form.  It makes writing/editing difficult, but I'm doing my best and that's all I can do. 

I used to review anime and manga on this blog, periodically.  If I were to start from where I left off this would probably be the longest post ever--which would be quite the achievement given how I tend to ramble.  But, it is something I've been wanting to do.

I started reading manga years ago.  Exactly when escapes me, but I think I started with a 3-book box set for Cowboy Bebop.  This was before publishers printed the books in the correct Japanese back-to-front, right-to-left format.  Once that became the standard, my obsession took off.  What started with 3 books has grown into a large collection with hundreds of books - I mean, Bleach, alone, is over 70 volumes.

Like everything else in my life, my tastes are eclectic.  You might think I'm a shojo girl at first glance, but upon closer inspection, you'd see that I lean toward supernatural and sci-fi.  Vampires, ghosts, demons, time travel, mythology.  It's so hard to pick an all time favorite.  It's not manga, but Vampire Hunter D ranks high.  Trigun has to be next, followed by Black Bird and Cardcaptor Sakura.  I have too many current titles to rattle off, so the ones I look forward to the most are:  Attack on Titan, Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card (OMG I love CLAMP), Karneval, Noragami, and The Demon Prince of Momochi House (the nue is hot!). 

And then, of course, I got back into novels.  And now my novel collection has grown.  I adore Sarah Addison Allen's books.  The way she weaves her magical realism is incredible.  Freda Warrington's The Blood Wine Sequence series is amazing, and I love Gillian Flynn - just when you think the story should be wrapping up, she takes you beyond the end into places you'd never expect. 

So, for the record, at this point, I'm reading manga, novels translated from Japanese, and "normal" novels. 

Aaaaand then . . . my superhero fetish kicked into high gear and I started reading tradebacks and graphic novels.  And now have a substantial collection of those, as well.  I love Marvel and DC, but when it comes to reading, I'm nearly DC all the way.  Deadpool's in there, mixing it up, but I have loved Batman since I was kid, and I adore The Flash.  My "comic" collection consists largely of Batman and Flash titles & collections, along with Hellblazer, Lucifer, and Rick and Morty (not DC).  With DC's Rebirth event, I've also picked up Nightwing and Wonder Woman, and with the New 52, I got into Justice League Dark. 

Think that's enough?  Cuz I didn't.  Now I'm into actual comics.  Specifically Deadman and The Doomsday Clock.  I'd never read (or seen) Watchmen, so after reading the first few Doomsday Clock issues, I grabbed the Watchmen omnibus.  And now I need to go back and re-read the Doomsday Clock issues I have to understand the backstory.  I've started getting back issues of Batman and other titles.  LOL - I have a problem and not enough shelf space!   I should have posted a picture of my library instead of the butterfly, which is sad since I started this with the beauty of the Earth on Earth Day and now I'm posting about all the paper I own.

Believe it not, I do actually have a point!  I've been amazed that given the memory and cognition issues I face on a daily basis, I can follow as many story lines as I do.  Let me pause and do counting -- 35 current manga series, 12 comic series, and whatever novel I'm reading.  For some of these titles, the next book doesn't come out for years.  Take Loveless, for example.  I thought it was on a 2 year release schedule, so I thought the next book would have been out around October of 2015.  Nope.  It'll be out this summer.  So I've been waiting for it since probably 2013.  Others come out faster - maybe every few months, and others are at about a year.  For a book I'll read in under an hour. 

My point?  All of these stories have histories that are built by the book's creator.  Many of those comics have histories that have existed since the 1930s with retcons and additions and changes, and so forth.  It's all stuff that exercises my brain.  Frequently, I enjoy learning about the real histories behind the character as much I love reading the fiction.  Captain America's actual creation story is amazing.  Get me started on nearly any character?  I won't shut up.  I don't read much Superman, but I can tell you that the Superman we know and love today is from Earth Two, and that Supergirl is faster than Superman, who is thought to be the only man who can keep up, or possibly even beat, The Flash.  I'd love to see Supergirl and The Flash race. 

See?  I won't stop.  It engages my brain, and for that moment, or those few hours that I'm rambling on and on, I actually know what I'm talking about and feel confident about it.  So much of my day is spent trying to remember what I was going to say or do, or trying to remember my cat's name or remember who someone is in a photograph. 

I work hard on my cognition issues and reading is really the best thing for it.  I wish I had something equally as fun to help with my physical issues.  But there's not much I can do about that.  Use or lose it is what I know and that keeps me from laying in bed all day.  I force myself to get up and do at least one thing a day.  I miss the days when I could walk in a forest and take pictures of butterflies.

Look at that!  Sometimes things just come together!  ^_^ 

I came here today because I'm working on another round of edits for The Arrival's sequel and I haven't been able to focus on it.  People who know me know I have problems with my legs.  But I have problems with my arms, too, and they're getting worse to the point that holding a book or turning the pages is hard.  My arms go to sleep, they go numb, they are heavy and slow to respond.  It wasn't such a big deal when it was just my left arm, but now it's my right arm, too.  This blog has always helped me see things in a different light or helped me feel better.  As usual, talking about comics did the trick. 

I guess if this post has any point, it's to reiterate that old saying that if something's worth doing, it's going to take work.  I want to slow the damage to my brain and body, so I work at it.  I push myself extremely hard.  Past physical therapists have told me I push too hard and I should cut back to 1/4 of what I'm doing.  So, I've worked on that.  Doing too much can do more harm than good.  Which is why I like to read.  I don't think it's possible to read too much.  Except that I could overstimulate my brain and that's not good at bedtime. 

Another thing?  Enjoy what you have because you never know when you'll lose it.  Stop and take those pictures of butterflies.  Take a deep breath in a flower garden.  Appreciate those little things that line up perfectly.  If you can, work to make it even better, to make it shine.  A spotlight moment can be yours, but you have to be willing to see it and accept it. 

For example, I know The Arrival has a good story and that I'm a good writer.  But I'm just me.  It's hard for me to think like that.  And that's another thing I'm working on.  I know the sequel has a good story and the writing is good as it is.  But it needs to be polished and that's what I'm struggling with now.  My mom is helping me and it's incredible.  I don't think I'd get this done without her help.  And I'm eager to finish edits and polishing so that my *secret* beta reader can get her hands on it and give me much needed feedback.  Writing a book, polishing it, and then publishing it is like watching a caterpillar turn into a butterfly and fly away.  It's not easy.  It takes work.  For me, it takes a lot more effort than it did five or ten years ago.  Even just a year ago.  But I'll keep working on it.  I'll keep working on everything.  I owe it to myself and to my readers. 

I have no idea how long this post became and I haven't proofed it, so please forgive any typos - I tried to catch them as I went.  Hopefully, this all tied together, somehow, and was at least enjoyable to read.  Until next time!  Bye!  ^_-

Totally Random with Generic Title

Time for random rambling.  My brain is all over the place, so why not?  What have I been up to?  Brain on the hamster wheel.  Not sleeping.  And, this week, Ignis made me cry twice in the new FFXV DLC Episode Ignis.  I heart Iggy.  :'(

However, my internet hiccuped when I earned the achievement for "Quick Recipeh" and it didn't port over to the main game.  Queue angry face.  I have yet to figure this one out.  I have over 400 hours logged into this game since January!  Grr.  So I spent time today in a "friendly" sparring match with Noct that wasn't as cathartic as I'd hoped it'd be.

I didn't get my nap today.  :(  And I still can't sleep.  :( 

I re-binged the anime K and watched the movie K:  Missing Kings.  Fingers crossed that Santa is bringing the 3rd K season!  I love the slick visuals and music.  And God knows I love Matthew Mercer's voice, so, yay.  Leon S. Kennedy!!  Captain Levi!!  [bloody nose, passed out]  I also binged Shiki on bluray and wasn't sure what to think at first.  The weird hair and over the top personalities nearly drowned the series early on, but once the story caught its grip, all the distractions fell away.  It wasn't the horror anime I was hoping for, but I enjoyed it.  I'm looking forward to the Steins:Gate movie.  The anime was amazing.  If you're a time travel buff and want a story with spot on science, check out Steins:Gate (the series first).  Just go with the confusion.  It levels out.

I've read quite a bit . . . um, I just finished Artemis by Andy Weir.  Excellent!  I loved the Martian - book and movie.  His sarcastic, witty tone is there in both books.  I remember a lot of math in the Martian, which makes sense, of course, but Artemis is more story driven, so while the science is there, it's not as forward facing as in the Martian.  I finished The Flash Rebirth tradeback #4 and Nightwing Rebirth tradeback #3 in which he faces off against a criminal James Gordon has been dealing with on Gotham.  Also finished The Flash/Batman Rebirth Lenticular Hard Cover edition for "The Button," which has a logical break in The Flash tradebacks between 3 & 4, but breaks in the middle of Batman Rebirth tradeback #3.  So, I picked up the Doomsday Clock #1 comic with lenticular cover, the Watchman tradeback omnibus, and Deadman #1 and #2 (rebirth).  Boston Brand can be really irritating, but I'm oddly fascinated by him, especially after reading the Blackest Night/Brightest Day event.  I read some manga and started a Japanese horror novel "Another" based on the anime (which I've seen).  

I've been trying to "work" on Confessions, but with my focus all over the place, it's never a good idea to force it.  I'm at a spot introducing new characters that requires exposition through tense conversation, and I know it can be done better.  I need a better brain to consolidate the scenes.

(Reading, gaming, doing puzzles, staring out the window . . . and so forth are all coping mechanisms to calm my brain down, ease stress, and help with physical and cognitive decompensation.  My MS has never gone into remission, so I always have some issues and pain, but it varies.  I've spent this year trying to work up to "cleaning and cooking and adding structure" on a gradual basis, but SO MUCH has happened that I'm at "struggle to get through day on idle" and basically try to keep my activities as mindless as possible and only tackle one task when I have a moment of clarity.  This pattern, for this time of year, developed several years before I had to stop working.  I'd get on "struggle" and stay on "struggle" through the end of the year, get through January on auto-pilot, and start pushing through "struggle" in February, completely forgetting January in the process, and being somewhat "structured" by April.  Long winded?  Yes.  Easy to see why I should NOT be touching Confessions?  Yes.) 

Ummmm . . . going long here (that's totally unexpected!), but I kind of diverted there (I promise my books don't read like my blog does.  Here I write like I talk.  It's cathartic.).  OK, we've established that I don't burn candles when I'm home alone, but I had one going the other day and Vash set himself on fire.  That was delightful.  Ha!  Vash is fine.  Just burnt a little fur off his pudgy belly.  I've cooked dinner twice this week - it's been a while - and managed to burn myself a few different ways all through completely avoidable, stupid actions last night.  I've been having trouble following written or oral instructions, which is funny in regard to food because we generally eat really healthily - so, give me some fresh salmon and produce and I'll whip up something really good, but give me a box of Stove Top Stuffing?  OMG!  My Thanksgiving Day guests can attest to my troubles with that 5-minute pot of stuff (pardon the pun).  Last night, I made pork tenderloins braised in a savory bourbon and brown sugar sauce w/potatoes, green beans, halved baby chick peas, quinoa, and cranberries.  You'd think the bourbon would offer clues about the burns, except I couldn't get the lighter to light and, tbh, my husband wasn't looking all that confident in my ability not to burn down the house, so he did that part.  Always a comedy of errors around here.  (But seriously, I'll dream up recipes and jot them down in the morning - must be an automatic creative outlet for my brain.  Maybe I should post a "recipeh" every now and then.  Oh Iggy!!)    

Speaking of Vash, I need to devote a post to Trigun.

And lastly, I am way too addicted to Rick and Morty.  I've watched all three seasons multiple times this week.  I quote it line for line when I watch it.  Yep, it irritates the hell out of my husband.  Probably the cats.  And our (not so) little dog, too.

"Um, my name is . . . (0 o 0) . . . Mr. Tophat . . . Jones . . . and God forbid anyone ever take my sner--little people snibbles . . . "

Gotta love those Strawberry Sniggles.  But don't get caught with eyeholes.  ;)