Kastie Pavlik : The Fur Coats are Coming!

With Soundgarden and Audioslave, and, of course, the amazing vocals of Chris Cornell, in the background, the feline overlords have descended into anarchy. Imagine them in black and red plaid flannel, stomping around in combat boots or Visions (going old school), and you have a pack ready for rebellion, alongside a human nostalgic for the 80s and 90s punk/alternative scene.

I suppose, so I don't get into trouble, that you should envision Atari with a tiara and Vash with his pink feather boa. Lucien slept on Vash's feather boa one time, and that was totally uncool with Vash. Had I not redirected Vash to the stairs, he would have jumped from the loft. He stalked right down to Lu and literally got nose to nose with him. It's his feather boa, damn it. O_O

I digress. Lucien's territories and status are up for grabs, so the fur is flying. Somewhat surprisingly, Vash has stepped up as the new alpha. King Vash doesn't have the same ring to it as King Lu-ey, but all hail the king because he's not stepping down. His challengers? Constantine and Groucho Marx. Jonny doesn't care as long as he gets his hugs and kisses, and Atari is still a bit lost and adamant that we must pet her, with both hands, whenever she graces us with her presence.

Constantine's challenge both surprises me and doesn't. If he was human, he'd hide in the basement wearing a tin foil hat while building a Faraday Cage and mumbling to himself about conspiracy theories and the vet's true agenda. But at the same time, he's a daring independent (oh, Tool just came on) who jumped from the loft as a kitten and raced up the stairs to do it again (I whisked him up because I was not reliving that fright!) and later broke his arm doing only God knows what in the basement while I was in the hospital after my mastectomy. He has seemingly embraced himself as John Constantine, the Sorcerer of Last Resort, and demanded a House of Mystery to go along with all of MY toys, but he also looks like Batman, likes to read The Flash, is a Daredevil, wants to fly like Superman, and expects to be treated like a Roman emperor no matter how many times I tell him he's not named after that Constantine. (Queue up They Might Be Giants.) Anytime I go into his room (yes, HIS room), he cheerfully greets me and meets me at the door to walk and talk. I still have no idea what he's going on about, but he's happy about it, whatever it is! I'm probably saying "okay" and nodding along to his plans for world domination.

Groucho, on the other hand, is actually also both surprising and not. He's a bit odd. I, mean, they all are, but he's on his own level. He's very stranger danger and when he's even slightly stressed, he licks his fur off. He's got OCD (for real), which at times is medicated with Amitriptyline, but mostly is handled with calming collars, treats, food, and attention. He's going through a bad course currently. I foresee a vet visit soon. Anyway, Groucho is a tuxedo cat and at times like this, he's running around without any pants and worn elbows that need patched. If he was human, he'd be a half-naked French pastry chef who yodels like Carol Channing. He and Vash are around the same age and have played together like brothers, even dominating each other playfully over the years. Neither one is playing much these days, though.

I think, in the battle for the throne, that I am the greatest territory to conquer, and that's where it makes sense that these three are going for it. Vash is my favorite and he knows it. Groucho loves to sit on me and eat my croissants. And Constantine knows he's my baby boy and has entitlement issues. Atari is merely seeking affection where she can get it and Jonny is more attached to Tim, so he's all good.

But all that aside, Vash has truly stepped up. He's never been a lap cat or one that needs attention. But now he sits next to me after dinner, where Lucien used to sit and lays by Tim on the sofa where Lucien used to lay. And he's started standing watch and getting into the other cats' business, although he doesn't quite have control over them, yet. It's the weirdest thing. I've never lost the alpha male of the group first, so this is all rather interesting - especially the new roles Vash is taking upon himself. He still has his own routines, too, like stomping all over my face when he crawls into bed once the lights are out and crying at the basement door to go play video games (he loves to watch Final Fantasy . . . and Sailor Moon - if Vash was human, he'd be an anime nerd and gamer with a cheesy poof gut and brainy smarts).

They even seem to have rules of engagement. At least Vash and Groucho do. The other day, they were circling each other, squirming and positioning to pounce in dominance, but as they got closer to each other, one would bow his head and the other would lick it. And then they'd reverse, resume circling and poising, and then start bowing and licking again. Licking like this is a sign of respect, so it was like watching the most polite Yakuza cat fight in all of history. Especially since they never fought. They definitely respect the heck out of each other, though.

"I respect you, but I must dominate you."

"I respect you, but I must dominate you!"

"No, I respect you."

"No! I respect you!"

I laughed so hard they both looked indignant and called for separate corners.

Constatine's challenges come infrequently and generally only when Vash is trying out his territory - like at the foot of the bed on my side when it's bedtime. Vash normally sits at the foot on Tim's side until lights out, but one time, when Constantine wasn't there, he gave my side a test run. A bit later, he looked at Jonny cuddling with Tim and Groucho with me, and approached the area between us at the head where Lucien used to sleep. But between J & G, he had no wiggle room. Constatine had come in, given me my nightly love, and gone to his normal spot. For whatever reason, Vash decided to return to this spot as well. Oh, I knew it was going to end badly. Not even the cat-fight-stopping stuffed giraffe worked this time. Constantine snapped back like he was going to attack the giraffe and gave me a murderous look because he knew I had the giraffe in my hands (he's scary intelligent), and then kicked Vash off the bed in a hissy blur. It's his spot. He's not sharing. Vash has his own spot. I don't think Vash came back to bed that night. And he hasn't stolen Constantine's spot again. I guess that spot is to Constantine as the feather boa was to Vash (I forgot to mention that it died and moved to the trash).

And, with The Jungle by X Ambassadors appropriately going on the playlist, I'll close. "Won't you follow me into the jungle?" heh heh