Health Update: Adenomyosis, Mirena, and Some Other Stuff

Today is a writing day, but I wanted to post something first, so expect more odd bits of info strung together without any real relation to one another.  Such is my way.  ^_^

After a summer filled with pain so immense it was untouchable by OTC pain killers, along with prescription pain meds and antibiotics, doctors, xrays, ct-scans, procedures, and mris, I finally have an answer, and for once, I am afflicted with something that can be cured.  The likely culprit:  adenomyosis, which is similar to endometriosis, except that it occurs within the uterus.  My doctor dismissed endometriosis rather quickly due to prior surgeries and the time duration for symptom onset.  She said that signs for endometriosis are usually present early in life and that there was no evidence of endometriosis during an abdominal surgery about five years ago.  Plus, the symptom onset happened steadily over a period of months this past year and then worsened suddenly with acute, localized pain.  We did officially rule out endometriosis with a surgical procedure, but adenomyosis can only be officially diagnosed after the uterus is removed and the organ tissue tested.

Treatment was started by using a Mirena IUD to secrete a hormone into my body that has proven helpful to many women.  In my case, however, I was in constant pain, with a chronic spot localized in the lower right quadrant of my abdomen that sometimes expanded to my lower belly and up toward my right ovary.  Other days, I had horrible cramping pain, which required prescription medication to control.  Other side effects I experienced over this two week period:  increase in hair loss, facial flushing (I'm usually paler than a ghost and my face was sunburn-red), rapid heartbeat, mood changes (anxious, impatient, agitated, depressed), pain, excessive bleeding, and throbbing, pressurized/crushing headaches.  In addition, a few side effects affected my preexisting conditions.  The chronic pain was near a nerve that runs down my right leg, which aggravated my MS in that leg and made it feel like I was going to "lose" it (one of my MS afflictions is that I'll lose partial feeling in my leg(s) or they will feel weak - I refer to this as "losing my legs").  And, mostly with the flushing events, I would feel very warm/hot (no fever), but I have an atypical form of Raynaud's Syndrome and my feet would still be ice cold.  In those situations, I was too hot to sit under a blanket and my feet would be sweating, but freezing.  It was rather odd to experience and frustrating. 

Probably needless to say at this point:  I told my doctor about my symptoms and we decided to remove the IUD.  The next day, I felt immediately better.  The chronic pain was gone, as were the flushing, headaches, etc.  My mood even felt better.  She suspected that my body was rejecting it and attacking it as a foreign body, so I'm on a short course of antibiotics to calm things down.  But to back up just a moment, after removing the IUD, which, in my case, was the best (and pretty much only) form of treatment, my doctor and I discussed the next step.  There are other courses of action, such as trying other hormone/birth control-related treatments, cauterizing the uterine lining, etc, but, in my case, the only next step was a hysterectomy.  The reason why I say "in my case," is because I am very sensitive to medications and my medical history, along with my symptoms, left us with only that option.  Cauterizing the uterine lining helps women where heavy bleeding is the main issue, but it does nothing for pain.  We decided to remove only the uterus so that I wouldn't be forced into early menopause (I'm not even 40 yet!), with yearly checkups to make sure my ovaries are still healthy.

Honestly, after being diagnosed with more incurable syndromes than I can count on one hand, I welcome this hysterectomy.  Finally, I can take control my body and permanently get rid of one element of my pain, which my neurologist believes will also help with my MS symptoms (the constant pain has just been aggravating everything).  (We did mris of my brain and cervical spine, and things are looking good - still have the spots, but the biggest spot is looking even better than it did last year.)  So...yes I'm nervous about major surgery, but I'm more happy that I have an answer and a solution.  I meet with the surgeon next week, and am on the wait list for an opening this month, otherwise I have two tentative dates set for December.  I'll be looking at an overnight hospital stay followed with 2-3 weeks off work, but my position allows me to work from home, so I can cut down my actual off time when I feel up to working (as long as I take care of myself first).

In other health news, another doctor took me off Topamax, which I had been taking to suppress dreams and aid with sleep.  Since then, I've noticed a drastic reduction in many of the symptoms I've been experiencing in addition to what was going on in the paragraphs above.  I had chronic and horrible joint paint, mostly in my elbows, hips, lower back, and occasionally in other joints like my wrists, knees or knuckles.  I was also cognitively disoriented, sometimes to the point that I could barely function at work and was worthless at home - I couldn't think of words, form cohesive thoughts, and was a growing danger because of short-term memory loss.  There was a time in my MS history where that had gotten so bad that I needed to leave post-it notes all over the house to remind me to do things, and I literally was a danger to myself - I almost burned our house down after starting something on the stove and wandering off due to getting sidetracked.  My doctor had told me upfront that Topamax in MS patients either helps or exacerbates their symptoms.  It did exacerbate my symptoms in that I had more numbness/tingling in my legs, full body weakness, and daily headaches, but until we hit 100mg, I was willing to deal with the side effects because the medication worked.  Now that I'm off of it, however, I wish I had done so sooner.  Within the first few days, the mental fog lifted and I was able think more clearly than I had in months.  I could watch movies and tv and put plots together, whereas before, I was a vegetable letting the story stream into my eyes where it dispersed into my brain like a mist never to be formed into a drop of water.  After a week, I noticed the joint pain diminishing.  Eventually, the numbness/weakness got better, and all but pain in my right hip remained - and it was pain from stiffness, not from the joint.  I finally knew what was MS and what was Topamax.  And the best part is that around the time he took me off the Topamax, I had discovered the dual layered Melatonin tablet and obtained his approval to begin using it at bedtime.  It did take some adjusting to dreaming again, but the melatonin has been an excellent replacement as far as sleep therapy goes.  I am sleeping much better now.  I think I mentioned this melatonin in a previous post, along with a supplement beverage called Neuro Sleep (the bottle says to drink the whole thing, but since I take the tablet, I only drink a little over an 1/8 of the bottle every night - one bottle usually lasts about a week).  What a great combination.

So there's the good news I've been waiting to hear all summer, and it couldn't have come at a better time.  I have something to take my mind off losing Neko and I'm in a better place mood-wise to deal with her loss (between the Mirena and Topamax).  I wrote a thank you letter to her doctors and staff at the hospital, which included tidbits about her life and some pictures.  I delivered it when I picked up her ashes.  It was devastating to see that little box.  My sweet Neko-chan has been reduced to a black bag of ash in a small wooden box.  :'(  But at least she's home.

When my husband called to tell me that David wasn't going to make it, I was sitting in a Wal-Mart parking lot with a box of tissues.  "Shadow of the Day" by Linkin Park came on the radio after we hung up and I cried alone in my car.  Given the song's lyrics, the timing was impeccable and made me cry harder.  It became David's song, and for a long time, I cried when I heard it, but now I can listen to it and just think of David.

On the drive home the afternoon we had to euthanize Neko, I knew that listening to music would have a similar affect.  I don't listen to the radio anymore, so for a while, I drove in silence, not wanting any song to have that influence.  But I knew that in time, during my grief, it was inevitable, so I picked the song(s).  I didn't have "Shadow of the Day" on my flash drive, but I did have Dead to Sunrise's "Too Late" and Linkin Park's "Waiting for the End."  I played both.  Both made me cry harder.  Both are now Neko's songs.  But that's okay with me.  I think it's fitting.  All three songs fit well together, and since they are all sung by the same person (Chester Bennington, the lead vocalist for Linkin Park, started Dead to Sunrise), the somewhat soothing effect of  "Shadow of the Day" adds a calming element to the other two songs.  I can listen to them and remember fond memories instead of feeling an urgent need to cry.  I have had to find new ways to cope with this loss, and mixing these songs into my playlist has actually been helpful.

Speaking of playlists, I'm always behind the trends and don't discover "new" music until long after it's out in the mainstream.  My latest discovery is Lady Gaga.  Yes, I am that far behind, and yes, I like Lady Gaga.  Until recently, I had only heard "Poker Face" a few times, but I have seen her make appearances on shows and so forth, and I liked her every time I saw her.  She has the aura of a strong woman with hidden vulnerabilities, and she seems honest and genuine, as well as approachable, like a normal person even though she's this huge sensation.  I realize that makes me sound like I idolize her, but these are merely statements of observation and the only reason I mention them now is because I've been enjoying her album "Born this Way" - particularly "Government Hooker," "Bloody Mary," and "Heavy Metal Lover."  Finding "new" music is also nice during a mourning period, since it can draw one out of the past (where one tends to dwell on nostalgia).  Next on my buy list is Foster the People (again, I know I am SO behind).  I can't remember how I came to find them, but I love "Pumped Up Kicks" and "Houdini."  I have to laugh at myself.  For loving music as much as I do, I should go back to listening to the radio...but no.  I won't.  After all, the radio wouldn't have helped me find Gus Gus.  ^_^

In writing news, I'm still working on my one page synopsis and I'm still not sure what to cut.  I've also written a few pages of ideas to move the plot forward in the third manuscript and have been thinking a lot about the scenes in the second manuscript.  This is all basically me revving up to get back into writing mode.  I am going to write today, but then I have to go into agent hunting mode again (unless I can get my synopsis done, because I have an agent to query with that).  I had two queries out and received a rejection yesterday, so it's time to keep moving forward.  After experiencing the hurt of the first few rejections, I've gotten into the mindset that I should expect rejections and it's worked.  I get one and just move on.  It only takes one yes and it's that one yes that I'm searching for.  Writing and reading are so subjective and so competitive that expecting a yes every time just isn't realistic or logical. 

You know - I think, just maybe, one of these days I'll write something short and to the point.  Um...-_-'  Then again, anyone who's read my manuscripts or this blog knows how fond I am of words...so maybe not.    The blog has seen a large upswing in traffic, so I'd like to thank everyone for reading and putting up with my eccentricities.  I hope you're enjoying it or finding the information you're looking for.  The "Writing as Catharsis" post made me realize that my posts are so scattered because I just enjoy writing, but I do need to work on my rambling.  ^_^

Catharsis: the purge of emotion; emotional relief

Nathan Bransford recently wrote a post on Writing as Catharsis and from the moment I read it, with everything that's been happening, I can't stop thinking about it.  I am an author who pulls a lot for my stories from my life.  I don't use my writing to cope, necessarily, but in times of crisis, I do pour my emotions into my stories.  Some people are talented enough to write about difficult, strong emotions without having experienced them.  I can't judge my ability to do that, but I believe I possess a good enough range to pass.  That said, I have traveled a difficult road in life and I have much to draw on.  Now, I'm not saying that I've had the worst life in the history of life - each person's experience is different and we all face and cope with difficulties as they are presented to us.  My honest assessment is that the road I'm on makes me stronger.  I am a fighter.  I am a survivor.  And I take everything as a life lesson, which makes everything open to reinterpretation in my writing.

Readers of my blog are aware of my health issues and my feelings about my cats, but I've kept the rest of my life private.  Those who know me personally know what I've gone through, but only those closest to me know everything.  And while I'm not a particularly private person, I don't see the need to expose my life for all to see, which would not only put me on display, but also affect other people involved - whether directly or indirectly.  It should suffice to know that like many people, I've been hurt and I've recovered to be a better person.  I further believe that the hurt makes me a better writer.  Not a writer better than someone else, just stronger in my own right.  There are no comparisons here.

Backing up to "Writing as Catharsis" for a moment, I did find it helpful to turn my grief into something tangible when David died.  Again, there are people out there who will say, "He was just a cat," but he wasn't.  He was my best friend.  He was always with me.  When I left for work, he walked me to the door and when I came home, he was there to greet me.  He was my constant companion.  If he didn't have my attention, he would throw temper tantrums or glare at the person who had my attention.  His passing left a huge void in my life and I took it very, very hard.  When I lost him, I lost my best friend - not my cat and not just a member of my family.  He could have been human.  That is how much it affected me.

The left side of this blog's main page contains pictures, starting with memorial photos (there is a bigger mosaic picture of my cats at the bottom of the blog).  The first photo is of David and you can easily note that he died around Christmas.  The sudden and rough loss, combined with the most joyous season created a sense of utter devastation.  I cried and cried, and cried even more.  It's amazing how even when I felt cried out, the tears kept coming in endless supply.  The reason I'm focusing on this?  Well, first, Neko's recent passing has opened old wounds.  As I said in her memorial post, she was my last link to David.  But mostly, it's because I did use my writing to cope with David's passing.  I turned my tears into words and spent nearly every moment of grief writing scenes in my head, on toilet paper, on napkins, on scratch paper - on anything at all that could hold my thoughts.  The result was a scene with powerful emotion, a scene that would have felt flat or empty had I not experienced such pain first hand.  The coincidence that I was writing a scene of devastating loss became a horrible situation's silver lining, and now, every time I read that scene, I don't remember my grief - I remember David and give him the credit for the words I see on the page.

Now, unfortunately, I find myself in a writing lull.  My focus is on the first manuscript and prepping individualized query letters.  I am researching agents and working on my one page synopsis while awaiting a response from the few queries I have out (I'm old fashioned and only do a few at a time).  MS #2 is written and ready for the edit and rewrite portion.  It contains "David's scene."  MS #3 is still in progress, but no scenes yet exist where I can turn my present grief into words.  There will be one in later chapters, so maybe I will look ahead and jot down notes, as I did before.  But, overall, I don't have the same outlet for Neko as I did with David.

So, as for "Writing as Catharsis," I don't find comfort in my writing.  But, I do find comfort in just writing.  After all, I've written a memorial post for Neko.  Sure I cried while I wrote it, but I also enjoyed replaying her quirks and her personality in my mind, and I loved posting pictures that showed her fun side.  I've written a post about my prologue and uncertainties in some of my decisions.  And I chose to write this post, furthering a discussion started by Nathan Bransford while also displaying my own vulnerabilities.

I do find writing to be cathartic.  For me, writing is a way of sharing my emotions - sharing my life in a subtle way - with people I know and people I don't know.  It's a way to release the energy that builds with grief or pain.  It is a way to remember the pain and still move forward, and what is more cathartic than moving forward?  Standing still to wallow and allowing the pain to consume me isn't healthy or productive, even though it may be the easy way.  Life isn't easy.  If it was, we would never move.  We would never grow.  We would never develop.  If life was easy, it wouldn't be life and a word like "catharsis" wouldn't exist.

To Prologue or Not To...

A while back, I made the decision to flesh out my prologue and make it a short chapter one.  Expanding the scene worked well, but the extension caused one major issue:  chapter seven would now become chapter eight.  Chapter seven is named "Communion," containing a twist on the usual religious connotations held within that word.  The very meaning and context behind the chapter's title and pivotal scene made it rather important to me to keep the chapter number "seven."  Perhaps it was a nit-picky detail, but I call author's prerogative.  Seven is an important number in the Christian religion and the Christian religion (as I've tweaked it) plays a rather large role in the story.  So...I looked at the previous chapter and decided it was a good candidate for consolidation.  Hence, chapter six went away and became the lead into chapter seven.  It actually made chapter seven stronger, in my opinion.

I had been conflicted about making this change (prologue vs. first chapter) for some time.  I may have mentioned it in previous blogs.  Overall, I think I am happier with the scene as a chapter, but the first chapter is really nothing like the rest of the book until the later chapters come along, when the plot opens up and vampiric involvement becomes more evident.  The beginning opens on a scene taking place thirteen years prior to the main story, which opens in what is now chapter two.  I worry about first impressions based on the new chapter one, when the story deserves to be judged on its main base.  I realize that my writing should stand on its own regardless of having a prologue or a first chapter, and the writing does do that; however, writing aside, when it comes to this genre and vampire stories, so much has already been done that innovation is hard to show.  Upon first glance, the new first chapter may seem like an average tale, with not much to make it stand apart.  However, the story that begins thirteen years later, as told from two perspectives in chapter two proves that this is beyond ordinary or what's been done before.

The true issue then, rests in what agents see when I submit queries, and that has made me want to rethink the prologue vs. first chapter decision.  Some only ask for the first five pages.  In that case, it doesn't matter what the first section is called.  If they ask for the first "x" pages of chapter one, however, it does make a difference.  People skip reading prologues all the time, especially when they are misused by the author for the author to just...talk.  Even I skip those.  I only read prologues that are pertinent to the story and I initially started with a prologue because, while the section is pertinent to the story, it would allow the reader to choose whether or not to read it.  Those who chose to read would gain more knowledge of the story and the motivation happening in the background.  Those who chose to skip would enter the story without that knowledge, but would eventually gain it throughout their journey through the story.  The prologue, as it first existed, merely illustrated a scene that is referenced in a later chapter.  It still accomplishes that feat, but in a newly, better formed manner.

Since the scene references something in the mid-to-late chapters, it's a little like peeking ahead without any context about the people, actions, or environment.  And I created it that way on purpose, not necessarily to build a sense of intrigue or mystery, but rather to accomplish exactly what I just said.  I wanted to give the reader the opportunity to choose their reading experience by how they treated the prologue.  The freedom to choose paths against destiny is a theme that arcs throughout my manuscripts, so this was a way for me to bring that element to life for the reader.

Of course, now I've removed that element.  By making it the first chapter, I've removed the reader's choice.  Who skips the first chapter?  And why did I make this decision in the first place?  Why am I asking questions??     I chose to make it the first chapter because of the knowledge that prologues are met with mixed feelings from person to person and I wanted to present a solid piece of work without that element muddying a prospective agent's thoughts on the matter.

If I decided to go back to a prologue, I'd have to break up chapter seven again to make the original chapter six stand on its own, and I truly believe that a side effect of the initial decision made a stronger chapter seven.  However, the reader has to get that far to enjoy it.

This is just me showing a bit of doubt in my decisions, which I thought was important since so many authors out there may feel the same way and not realize that it happens to others.  I question my decision to open the story this way and to change it from a prologue to first chapter.  However, I am confident in my story and my ability as a writer, and I try to focus on my readers' feedback.  The most recent read through was from someone who had the story years ago, before the prologue even existed.  She initially missed the original opening, but then said that as she read on, it made parts of the story more cohesive, and by the end, made the plot and story-telling stronger.  The end opinion: she liked the new opening better.

I take from that mixed feelings.  I see that the original opening made a better first impression, but the new opening makes for an overall better story.  So I guess my indecision will always be there, but I'm happy with the story.  I agree that the new opening makes for a better reading experience.  I can only hope that an agent sees it that way, too.